Hello, it's been a long time since I've written anything in here. They say it's good to write stuff down before you sleep, whether it's informative or not. Just writing can help you tons!
So what am I going to write about?
I guess... sleep hasn't been all that easy. I have this pen pal who suffers almost the same mental issues as I do but, she's really awesome and couldn't thank her enough for the advice she's given me. Through our own processes we still struggle trying to adapt ourselves into things. However, my mind set keeps me distracted most of the time and it's hard to take a lot of things seriously. So where does my sleep follow with this? Well, I haven't really been able to sleep because my mind is so unrelaxed that there are almost several intense thought processes going on. It coincides with the whole mental issues I guess, but then again most people that I've come to more or less realize, actually have something relative. It's like we live in the same state of mind but are hard to reach. As if we aren't incompatible or independent... where was I going with this? I'm getting distracted again. The point is the human brain is crazy and I wish I could fall asleep sooooo much easier. First, would be to get my mind in better condition. As if I could huh? Maybe. Just gotta work at it and keep telling myself, it's not going to take just a day or a week... keep going, keep working at it.
The issues?
I guess you could say it's about a girl, and usually always has been. Usually I think I put myself down and start thinking negatively about myself and create this void of... or this whole world about myself being ... alone in that pitch black darkness.
I guess I have picked up on some ways to dealing with it. Like I know I'm not the only one.
I have actually seen people express their negativity and finally realized that... there's actually a lot of people out there like that!
What to do?
Hell if I know, but being myself seems to help. I can understand and now relate to a lot more things about that stuff, and hopefully being able to help someone who doubts themselves. I don't think that qualifies for some type of, uhh replacement for a counselor, but I think it's something. And that's what my pen pal has been able to help me understand. There's so much that I've actually realized about myself. Things I had a good idea about. Things I thought I knew, were actually... things I knew but had doubts about. Things I normally picked up on but could not make sense of... And now with being more aware of certain things I can identify shit.
Contrast?
I'm really just trying to express things... just making them seem like code and misunderstanding and confusing dialect.
If I could get back into reading again I think I might be able to cleanse my mind a bit. Maybe even pick up some more intelligent words. I like keeping things simple though. BUT NOT TODAY! :)
The world is complex and the world needs saving! :P
So I guess this is my personal journal waiting to become a clean slate. I have no promises that I will write more in the future. It is as is and might be left alone untouched for eternity.
There's nothing simple anymore... at least with people. I think? I like simple though... but lately everything seems to need that boss key from the depths of the darkest treacherous dungeon in order to comply with certain aspects?
Ahh it's so convoluted, and that's why I can't sleep. I'm an over thinker, and I think and think and think... until I spiral out of control.
I can't sleep but when I do, I hope that at least it'll be for a time over 8 hours long. I haven't had the most incredible of sleeps in a really long time. :/
What have I been doing?
Well... I've been very lazy at writing this storybook about a teenage boy who gets caught up in this secret tribe with things like demons and magic. Also guess what? I started it in high school, but I never finished it. So this whole time it's been a slowly written book. It's not even being written on Word document so I'm not entirely sure how it's going to work out ^.^;
What's happened?
Well... I injured myself.
Yeah...
I was working out one day and my back decided to lock up and begin an immense amount of pain, to where I couldn't really move around for a day or so. I became stiff... my muscles were pulling on nerves or something and the doctors never told me what exactly had happened... I hate them... but I decided hey I have some spare money Ill just go to a chiropractor and massage therapist on my own since no one is helping me... and the appointments take about a month later to be seen... for 2 minutes. Holy fucking hell right? What's come to this world? We're all being treated... wrong right? Most of us anyway. And a lot of people are poor so... what's going on? Maggots for brains .... or over stressed and over worked people being burned down to the bone. It's all a mess, and I'm sure you're aware of this...
So we just bat an eye and look away...
We could just go into a deep sleep or never wake up again.
Regardless, someone has to stop the insanity right?
There's only so much one person can do, true, and I know there are movements out there.
But who's taking care of... "You"?
The people.
What's money gotta do with success?
We love, eat, shit and die.
Take care of yourselves. It's crazy... but yeah, not all of it is bad. I'm not trying to go off on some crazy ass rant that should've ended a long ass time ago. I just needed a place to write. A place where all the space was taken and I get a front seat of my own little creation. A monster if you will.
Not really a monster but a cute little spot of blank paper. Like a tiny white dot perfectly visible out of all the writings on an overused piece of paper. With words overly scrambled by the designs of menacing thoughts and imaginations jotted down with no direction or care of which way or however it's interpreted, or meant to be seen.
And old poetic me drives in the road of my thoughts.
I think I've ran out of room for whichever direction I was going. I'll just sit here then and come up with something. Maybe even enjoy the view.
-Reno1 :)