"never" is a terribly long time...
this was originally going to be my standard post of silly silliness, and then something was said. it's neither good nor bad - it just is.
last night, i kinda freaked out. i'm not ashamed to say it. i lost my shit. relationships and the fact that i suddenly find myself in one - it's a little (okay, maybe it's a lot) more than i'm ready to walk into. and i'm not the type to think about things before i do them. noooooo, i'm the, "diving off a cliff? hell yes! sounds like a good time!" girl. so here we are. i put one toe over the cliff, it didn't look like the drop would kill me, so then i took a running leap...
*SSSSSSSSPPPPLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
now, i find myself gasping for air.
it started out as just random faces and messages in chat. i didn't really think anything of it at first. i mean, consider where we are. for fuck's sake. i'm a 5'5", belligerent, loud, single mom. i love cupcakes, but not so much going to the gym. and i'm surrounded by beautiful people here. seriously. if i wasn't cocky by nature, i'd have flashbacks to middle and high school and being the "fat, smart girl." meh. it is what it is.
but no, he had to stand out. just by the fact that he didn't go out of his way to stand out. he didn't comment on my chest like everyone else does. he noticed my smile. and he genuinely seemed to light up when i came around. in chat, but fuck you. let me be a romantic. and he was charming and funny and sweet and when he smiles, i find myself smiling too.
p.s. TAKE THAT, FLYERS!!!!!!!!!
so we started texting and talking. and i found out a little more about him. not much, admittedly, but enough. enough for the alarms and whistles.
and now, this is me...
...i'm deeply in like.
but i can see the inevitable doom on the horizon. it's me though. i won't look in that direction. i can't. i'll fall apart. so head-in-the-door, daydreams, giggling - this girl. it's a good feeling. it's a really good feeling. text messages, emails, phone calls, counting down days - all of it. i'll take it.
until today.
"i want to be with you, but that can't ever happen."
i knew it. i've always known it. but hearing it out loud forces me to deal with it. and i don't understand why. why do i have to deal with it? why can't i just be the girl who goes from like to love and gets to stay there? why does everything in my life come with a goddamn expiration date? things were going well. things were going really well. i mean, it caused me physical pain when Alex said, "tell your boyfriend i said hi" earlier, but i recognize that i've become an emotional cripple and i'm working on it. i really am. i can almost say the word "boyfriend" out loud without my eye starting to twitch. but i feel...something. and i don't know what to do now. standard operation procedure for me is to cut and run. but i can't. i don't know why i can't, but i don't have it in me. and every logical instinct is telling me that the longer i stay, the more i'm going to feel. and the more it's going to hurt.
so now i'm going to binge eat some cupcakes or just suck the salted caramel buttercream right out of the bag. damn, that sounds like a good idea. and it's suddenly hot here. which may kill me.
ggggg1qjebvnihgvj2gfv923ifg0[pogvkg5knhi23fhi8wefpjoweg;mlslms0[i24tu93
*sorry, frustration*
this was originally going to be my standard post of silly silliness, and then something was said. it's neither good nor bad - it just is.
last night, i kinda freaked out. i'm not ashamed to say it. i lost my shit. relationships and the fact that i suddenly find myself in one - it's a little (okay, maybe it's a lot) more than i'm ready to walk into. and i'm not the type to think about things before i do them. noooooo, i'm the, "diving off a cliff? hell yes! sounds like a good time!" girl. so here we are. i put one toe over the cliff, it didn't look like the drop would kill me, so then i took a running leap...
*SSSSSSSSPPPPLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
now, i find myself gasping for air.
it started out as just random faces and messages in chat. i didn't really think anything of it at first. i mean, consider where we are. for fuck's sake. i'm a 5'5", belligerent, loud, single mom. i love cupcakes, but not so much going to the gym. and i'm surrounded by beautiful people here. seriously. if i wasn't cocky by nature, i'd have flashbacks to middle and high school and being the "fat, smart girl." meh. it is what it is.
but no, he had to stand out. just by the fact that he didn't go out of his way to stand out. he didn't comment on my chest like everyone else does. he noticed my smile. and he genuinely seemed to light up when i came around. in chat, but fuck you. let me be a romantic. and he was charming and funny and sweet and when he smiles, i find myself smiling too.
p.s. TAKE THAT, FLYERS!!!!!!!!!
so we started texting and talking. and i found out a little more about him. not much, admittedly, but enough. enough for the alarms and whistles.
and now, this is me...
...i'm deeply in like.
but i can see the inevitable doom on the horizon. it's me though. i won't look in that direction. i can't. i'll fall apart. so head-in-the-door, daydreams, giggling - this girl. it's a good feeling. it's a really good feeling. text messages, emails, phone calls, counting down days - all of it. i'll take it.
until today.
"i want to be with you, but that can't ever happen."
i knew it. i've always known it. but hearing it out loud forces me to deal with it. and i don't understand why. why do i have to deal with it? why can't i just be the girl who goes from like to love and gets to stay there? why does everything in my life come with a goddamn expiration date? things were going well. things were going really well. i mean, it caused me physical pain when Alex said, "tell your boyfriend i said hi" earlier, but i recognize that i've become an emotional cripple and i'm working on it. i really am. i can almost say the word "boyfriend" out loud without my eye starting to twitch. but i feel...something. and i don't know what to do now. standard operation procedure for me is to cut and run. but i can't. i don't know why i can't, but i don't have it in me. and every logical instinct is telling me that the longer i stay, the more i'm going to feel. and the more it's going to hurt.
so now i'm going to binge eat some cupcakes or just suck the salted caramel buttercream right out of the bag. damn, that sounds like a good idea. and it's suddenly hot here. which may kill me.
ggggg1qjebvnihgvj2gfv923ifg0[pogvkg5knhi23fhi8wefpjoweg;mlslms0[i24tu93
*sorry, frustration*
anti_:
Careful with the chat romance hun. That shit can be FLEETING or it can TOTALLY occupy your soul. Neither of which is very healthy.
renivalentine:
yeah, and i should damn well know better. but every stupid, giggly, girly part of me is taking over any logical part of my brain.