Sometimes I feel rather fake.
Like the life I'm living isn't mine. I'm just doing what I can to fit into a little fucking hole that everyone else likes and accepts. I won't be ok until I fit in that hole, but I don't quite fit yet.
I'm apparenlty not enough to keep someone's attention for more than 15 minutes. Or interesting enough to check up on every day or so. Cause I don't fit. I want to stop doing everything for everyone else, and I want to work on just being me again, but I can't. I'll be judged no matter what happens, no matter who it is.
"Oh, it really doesn't matter to us. It's your choice, but we prefer this."
AKA. We're going to look at you funny until you're back to our sense of "normal" or "cool".
doesn't matter what my opinion is.
doesn't matter what I want to do.
Everyone is a judge-
and apparently I don't rate.
*Edit*
So after a nap and re-reading that I sounded rather bitchy. It's true. I do feel that way sometimes.. I guess I'm just rather stressed and being left to my own devices without feeling very much like anyone cares will generally let me into a mood like that. I think I need to go to petsmart. Maybe just wander around a bit and then play with the kitties. That will help. Hopefully when I get my own place someday I can have something furry in it to play with. That would help my mood a lot.... yeah, so anyway.. totally bummed. Not much going on right now other than that... Going to go to dinner with Katie now.... *sigh*
*Edit #2*
So I studied today. Hopefully a bit more studying everyday with calc will help me improve. Too bad I was already studying a lot... now I get to study more. joy.
I wish I'd be able to shake this mood, but I'm currently living under too much stress and too little attention. Waaay too little.
I think I want to change some things about my life. Well, less about my style. More about me. Specifically the way I look. I know that come summer and lack of elementary school volunteering, I'm going to streak my hair purple again. I've given it a good .... 4 months to recover from it's destruction. Sadly it's still not as pretty and soft as it used to be. But either way, come summer I'll regain the purple streaks. I'm thinking about cutting my hair again.. a bit shorter maybe, but not really short. I want to still be able to put in in a real pony tail (no little half ponytail.. I want it all to easily go in a ponytail), but right now it just seems so boring. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I also want to change my wardrobe. I want to go back to my darker times. I've relied on t-shirts and jeans too long. Where are my full length black skirts? Where are my white button tops with a black military tie, with a simple safety pin for a tie-tack? I dunno why I decided to change to fit in at Macalester, but sadly, I did.... oh well. Hippies are gone now. Time to pull out the combat boots. I'm tired of being "user friendly" for everyone else's sake. But clothes will have to wait... I can't afford them now, unless someone wants to buy me a present off of my wishlist (which is expensive... hate how big figured girls can't have cute clothes for cheap... skinny girls do.. but if you actually have curves and a rack? Apparently not...) Anyway...
Like the life I'm living isn't mine. I'm just doing what I can to fit into a little fucking hole that everyone else likes and accepts. I won't be ok until I fit in that hole, but I don't quite fit yet.
I'm apparenlty not enough to keep someone's attention for more than 15 minutes. Or interesting enough to check up on every day or so. Cause I don't fit. I want to stop doing everything for everyone else, and I want to work on just being me again, but I can't. I'll be judged no matter what happens, no matter who it is.
"Oh, it really doesn't matter to us. It's your choice, but we prefer this."
AKA. We're going to look at you funny until you're back to our sense of "normal" or "cool".
doesn't matter what my opinion is.
doesn't matter what I want to do.
Everyone is a judge-
and apparently I don't rate.
*Edit*
So after a nap and re-reading that I sounded rather bitchy. It's true. I do feel that way sometimes.. I guess I'm just rather stressed and being left to my own devices without feeling very much like anyone cares will generally let me into a mood like that. I think I need to go to petsmart. Maybe just wander around a bit and then play with the kitties. That will help. Hopefully when I get my own place someday I can have something furry in it to play with. That would help my mood a lot.... yeah, so anyway.. totally bummed. Not much going on right now other than that... Going to go to dinner with Katie now.... *sigh*
*Edit #2*
So I studied today. Hopefully a bit more studying everyday with calc will help me improve. Too bad I was already studying a lot... now I get to study more. joy.
I wish I'd be able to shake this mood, but I'm currently living under too much stress and too little attention. Waaay too little.
I think I want to change some things about my life. Well, less about my style. More about me. Specifically the way I look. I know that come summer and lack of elementary school volunteering, I'm going to streak my hair purple again. I've given it a good .... 4 months to recover from it's destruction. Sadly it's still not as pretty and soft as it used to be. But either way, come summer I'll regain the purple streaks. I'm thinking about cutting my hair again.. a bit shorter maybe, but not really short. I want to still be able to put in in a real pony tail (no little half ponytail.. I want it all to easily go in a ponytail), but right now it just seems so boring. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I also want to change my wardrobe. I want to go back to my darker times. I've relied on t-shirts and jeans too long. Where are my full length black skirts? Where are my white button tops with a black military tie, with a simple safety pin for a tie-tack? I dunno why I decided to change to fit in at Macalester, but sadly, I did.... oh well. Hippies are gone now. Time to pull out the combat boots. I'm tired of being "user friendly" for everyone else's sake. But clothes will have to wait... I can't afford them now, unless someone wants to buy me a present off of my wishlist (which is expensive... hate how big figured girls can't have cute clothes for cheap... skinny girls do.. but if you actually have curves and a rack? Apparently not...) Anyway...
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night night