So here I am again... late at night, thinking, and rambling to myself in my head. I don't know if this is a good hobby, or a bad one, but I've gotten some good ideas this time. I've been thinking about my life and my goals and what I might want to accomplish with my life. I know I want simple certain things. I want to travel, I want to make art, I want to work with my hands, and I want to work enough to enjoy life simply. I don't need much, but I do want that with my life. I'm in school right now at Hamline. It's been some tough times for me. I've made some of the best friends that I could hope for, and I've lost a person who I had at one point held dearer than perhaps my own life. I've done things that I swore I would never ever do, and then I swore again that I wouldn't do it, then shortly thereafter breaking my second oath. I've been frightened of things to within an inch of my sanity, and there are times where I think I did lose my sanity completely-- giving up utterly with everything and everyone, including myself. But things are starting to change for me. I'm becoming once again comfortable with myself. I'm becoming stronger day by day. This is the year that I decide for myself what will happen and how I will make it happen. I missed who I was in high school. That strong, aggressive, vibrant, cocky, artsy, enthusiastic girl that I once was. She's disappeared. Broken down by many things, but as my beloved Graycen once wrote about herself, I'm finding that I'm beautifully broken. I will never be that girl again, but I'm reinventing myself. I know what I need to have to be happy and strong again, and I will have that.
I'm finding that I have a new place. I once spoke that I had no place. But I needed desperately to look at the things around me. I needed to see my sisters, my place in the sorority, my place in the theatre, my gay boys. I'm not alone, nor am I not needed. My room is becoming my room again. I know I've lived in it for a summer and a semester, but it's thoroughly becoming mine now. Tomorrow I plan on decorating more, and finishing unpacking the things that I want/need. I never did truly unpack-- just most of it was brought out... therefore I was never home. So tomorrow is the day that I will go through my things and once again have a wall of doom, a display of my art, and the little "bits" that make me happy... hopefully my roomie won't mind... but from what I hear, she's thinking of moving out of the house, or into her own room. Not because of me, but because she needs her own space-- which I understand completely. What I wouldn't give to have the attic to myself... let it be my own personal space and privacy. My little world. Now I just need a SNES and a copy of Mario All Stars and I'd be set... lol.
So in school I plan on doing a little takeover. At Macalester I was comfortable because I was the incoming freshman who was accepted as the "coolest new techie." I was also accepted as the one with the most talent. When I came here, I was suddenly less known than anyone else, and even more so, it took a year to get me involved in theatre. Now I am, and they're realizing that I'm artist as much, or more than the rest of them. I'm fighting my way through the pack, and coming out on top. My advisor wants me to take my makeup work and enter it into a national competition. He believes that I would win. I don't know if I would or not, but even so, if I did do something like that, then it would get my name out as a new artist, which never hurt anyone. Im starting to feel as though I can be independent in the theatre, and Im hoping to regain the confidence I once had. A high school theatre advisor once instilled in me the greatest confidence I could ever have. He gave me the control of the entire backstage and let me flourish in my work, allowing me to be in charge of the other students. He told me to do things as I wished, and that he had his faith in me. Somewhere along the line, I lost that faith in myself. My mother has tried over the last 3 years to reinstate that faith in myself, love her, but one expects ones mother to believe in you. I needed to hear it from someone else. My advisor is starting to do that. Hes giving me independent projects in class and having me do extra work that the other students in the workshop arent doing. Hes allowing me to grow and work, and discussing the class itself with me. He also acknowledges that I do, to an extent, know what Im doing in the class due to previous experience. Hes letting me show that as well. Hes starting to show me that he has the same faith in me that my high school theatre advisor had in me. For this, I am grateful. This class has been a blessing for me, for its shown me that I can achieve in something that I love. I need to just dig my hands in and work hard. I wont fail if I try. Ill just fail if I dont. I needed the push to work on the things that I want. Hes providing this for me, and Im reveling in the success of it all. Ive also been told by every member of the class whos heard me singing while I work that I need to audition for the spring musical. Even my advisor has told me this. Its encouraging, because I need to be recognized. Ive not gotten the recognition that Ive needed for some time, and this is what I need.
Ive also made another decision about my life. Ive accepted the fact that Im lonely. Ive accepted the fact that I want a special person in my life, but I believe that right now the options I have laid before me, except for maybe one, are not options that I should strive for. At this point, I should not accept anything less that what I want, and I need to take that idea into action. I need someone who can stand on their own two feet and I dont have to help support them... Im having a hard enough time supporting myself. I also need someone who has a plan to their lives. Ive felt that Ive had no plan and its come time that Im going to change that. I have aspirations and dreams, but right now I have no idea on how to achieve them. Im going to find out how and Im going to make a difference in my life. I will no longer just be in school doing the school thing. I want to be able to find a path and follow it. With my theatre work, Im hoping to be able to find that path and stick to it. I should not give in to whatever desire may creep up on me in the middle of the night, nor should I play mindless games that just, in the end, end up hurting me more in one way or another. I dont have the time nor the patience anymore. If I find someone that is right, then I will know. It will be someone who accepts me as I am, and wishes to help nurture me along the way. It wont be just a limited knowledge of my interests, or a desirous interest of my body. It will be a kindred spirit. I had one for a short time... and I know what it is like. Right now, I believe Im at a point where I should settle for no less than that. I deserve more than to be the person that one can cling to in the middle of the night because no one else is around to talk to, I deserve more than to be in ones bed for a week and afterwards just become a memory. I deserve to be with someone who will talk to me about their inner most workings and deepest pains, not someone who will take it out on me. I deserve better than someone who just has an interest in my body shape, the size of my breasts, and when they will be able to sex me next. Like I said, I shall come across a kindred spirit. One who can stand alone, yet beside me. And I said I shall come across them, not find them. They cannot be searched for and found. Im just going to live and see where it takes me.
Ive found a balance in my life- and Im going to fight tooth and nail to stay where I am with it. I will not let things sway me in my decision at this point. I will not surrender either.
As Graycen said, Im beautifully broken. Im broken, yet still beautiful.
And I have a will to survive, and lot of duct tape.
I'm finding that I have a new place. I once spoke that I had no place. But I needed desperately to look at the things around me. I needed to see my sisters, my place in the sorority, my place in the theatre, my gay boys. I'm not alone, nor am I not needed. My room is becoming my room again. I know I've lived in it for a summer and a semester, but it's thoroughly becoming mine now. Tomorrow I plan on decorating more, and finishing unpacking the things that I want/need. I never did truly unpack-- just most of it was brought out... therefore I was never home. So tomorrow is the day that I will go through my things and once again have a wall of doom, a display of my art, and the little "bits" that make me happy... hopefully my roomie won't mind... but from what I hear, she's thinking of moving out of the house, or into her own room. Not because of me, but because she needs her own space-- which I understand completely. What I wouldn't give to have the attic to myself... let it be my own personal space and privacy. My little world. Now I just need a SNES and a copy of Mario All Stars and I'd be set... lol.
So in school I plan on doing a little takeover. At Macalester I was comfortable because I was the incoming freshman who was accepted as the "coolest new techie." I was also accepted as the one with the most talent. When I came here, I was suddenly less known than anyone else, and even more so, it took a year to get me involved in theatre. Now I am, and they're realizing that I'm artist as much, or more than the rest of them. I'm fighting my way through the pack, and coming out on top. My advisor wants me to take my makeup work and enter it into a national competition. He believes that I would win. I don't know if I would or not, but even so, if I did do something like that, then it would get my name out as a new artist, which never hurt anyone. Im starting to feel as though I can be independent in the theatre, and Im hoping to regain the confidence I once had. A high school theatre advisor once instilled in me the greatest confidence I could ever have. He gave me the control of the entire backstage and let me flourish in my work, allowing me to be in charge of the other students. He told me to do things as I wished, and that he had his faith in me. Somewhere along the line, I lost that faith in myself. My mother has tried over the last 3 years to reinstate that faith in myself, love her, but one expects ones mother to believe in you. I needed to hear it from someone else. My advisor is starting to do that. Hes giving me independent projects in class and having me do extra work that the other students in the workshop arent doing. Hes allowing me to grow and work, and discussing the class itself with me. He also acknowledges that I do, to an extent, know what Im doing in the class due to previous experience. Hes letting me show that as well. Hes starting to show me that he has the same faith in me that my high school theatre advisor had in me. For this, I am grateful. This class has been a blessing for me, for its shown me that I can achieve in something that I love. I need to just dig my hands in and work hard. I wont fail if I try. Ill just fail if I dont. I needed the push to work on the things that I want. Hes providing this for me, and Im reveling in the success of it all. Ive also been told by every member of the class whos heard me singing while I work that I need to audition for the spring musical. Even my advisor has told me this. Its encouraging, because I need to be recognized. Ive not gotten the recognition that Ive needed for some time, and this is what I need.
Ive also made another decision about my life. Ive accepted the fact that Im lonely. Ive accepted the fact that I want a special person in my life, but I believe that right now the options I have laid before me, except for maybe one, are not options that I should strive for. At this point, I should not accept anything less that what I want, and I need to take that idea into action. I need someone who can stand on their own two feet and I dont have to help support them... Im having a hard enough time supporting myself. I also need someone who has a plan to their lives. Ive felt that Ive had no plan and its come time that Im going to change that. I have aspirations and dreams, but right now I have no idea on how to achieve them. Im going to find out how and Im going to make a difference in my life. I will no longer just be in school doing the school thing. I want to be able to find a path and follow it. With my theatre work, Im hoping to be able to find that path and stick to it. I should not give in to whatever desire may creep up on me in the middle of the night, nor should I play mindless games that just, in the end, end up hurting me more in one way or another. I dont have the time nor the patience anymore. If I find someone that is right, then I will know. It will be someone who accepts me as I am, and wishes to help nurture me along the way. It wont be just a limited knowledge of my interests, or a desirous interest of my body. It will be a kindred spirit. I had one for a short time... and I know what it is like. Right now, I believe Im at a point where I should settle for no less than that. I deserve more than to be the person that one can cling to in the middle of the night because no one else is around to talk to, I deserve more than to be in ones bed for a week and afterwards just become a memory. I deserve to be with someone who will talk to me about their inner most workings and deepest pains, not someone who will take it out on me. I deserve better than someone who just has an interest in my body shape, the size of my breasts, and when they will be able to sex me next. Like I said, I shall come across a kindred spirit. One who can stand alone, yet beside me. And I said I shall come across them, not find them. They cannot be searched for and found. Im just going to live and see where it takes me.
Ive found a balance in my life- and Im going to fight tooth and nail to stay where I am with it. I will not let things sway me in my decision at this point. I will not surrender either.
As Graycen said, Im beautifully broken. Im broken, yet still beautiful.
And I have a will to survive, and lot of duct tape.
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
starfior:
What you're feeling right now is real strength and purpose even amidst confusion. Congrats. Don't lose it.
s_3_antichrist:
My New Best Friend.....
]
]