reneemarie

So it's 5AM. I tried to go to bed at 4 but was laying there being depressed thinking too much so I decided to get back online. Been downloading some music and doing dumb pointless surveys on myspace. Why am I depressed? I hate living in Albuquerque. I've been here almost a year and I don't have any friends. Ok, I have friends that I see when I go to shows or bars/clubs. I don't hang out with anyone. I'm off of work for 4 days so I've been sleeping til after 3PM because I have no reason to wake up. I hate waking up. I say I hate it when I have to wake up early for work but at least I have a purpose that day. I've gotten so fucking fat. Fucking lithium. The doc loaded me full of lithium because after I moved here I was extremely depressed and all I could think or talk about was dying. I cut down by like 75% but haven't lost any of the 40 lbs it made me gain. So being a ham beast makes me more depressed. Then having no will power or motivation to fucking do something about it just makes me feel more worthless. I'm pathetic, I really am. I get serious about eating healthy and being active but that doesn't even last a week. My sternum piercing is hurting, Steve saw it on Friday he said it's a little red but looks good. Fucking birds outside chirping and shit. Argh. I don't know what to do with my pointless life. I've been wanting to go to cosmetology school for maybe 6 months now, I should do that. I wanna be a makeup artist. I'm good at makeup, I love it and it's fun. Too bad I live in a shit state where there are no cosmetology schools. I need to move, seriously I fucking hate this place. But to move I'd need money. To have money I'd need a decent job. My job is decent but I just don't get enough hours. I'm gonna attempt the sleep thing again. If you actually read all this shit I apologize for wasting your time.