I'm in one of those moods. one of those cant sleep but im so tired gotta pee but i dont wana get up y am i o bored god i miss him god i miss her i wish i had some coke weed or alcohol kinda moods. my life is now ina pit of boredness seriously i dont o ne thing anymore, i work and then do nothing. my ife basically revolves around nick and wat he wants to do, it fuckin sucks. for once i wana do something crazy something rele out there. i want some1 to disbelieve me when i tell them the story becuz it is jus so out there. i wana go back to highschool and not be afraid to gtell people how i feel. i want to look her in the eyes and be like yes ufucking hurt me but guess wat i stilll love u. i wana look him in the face and smack him and be like wat is ur deal y do u constantly bring me down. i wana find out wt is wrong wid me i wana c wat life is like for others. i wana kmno how it feels to not feel so low all te fucking time to not constantly have second thoughts about everythiung, thats all my life consist of now boredom and second thoughts. i wana party i wana get out and c things i wana get fucked up and not care. i wana meet new people, i want to hang out wid oeople and not assume that im being boring. i want to call him right now but since he isnt answering to any of my im's i think hes probably asleep. and i kno that as soon as nick sees this hes guna question me for like an hour but i rele cant stop. i cant force myself to say that i regret things cuz guess what i dont. i dont regret any relarionship i ever had i dont regret any1 i considered a friend i do regret losing touch wid people i do regret letting my heart break into a trilllion pieces i do regret talking before thinking i do regret hitting adn bitching and fighting without thinking first i do regret eatting because if i didnt then mayb i would nt b so fucking huge, look at me im fuckign 146lbs im fucking huge, anorexia would b fucking amazing yet like everything else i have no self control. i cant force myself no to eat and i cant force myself o eat healthy i cant force myself to feel better especially because i get from every1 how "fat" ive gottin. i feel oike shit and i fucking hate myself seriosuly nck took everything away or u k no wat i would b doing hell ive stopped that but i still ont get ne gratitude nothing people used to bitch about it all te time and now that ive stopped they jus fucking found something else to yell ay me about something else to make fun of about something else to bring to my mother fuckign attention, i had an eatting disorder when that stoped it went on to deep depression that then developed to cutting banging and pulling my hair out and now im fat i smoke weed drink alot smoke cigarettes sniff shit and i can never be fucking happy i abuse sex or i dont have sex for weeks my moods go up and down faster and can change rapidly i cant focus and yet im starting school in a month i cry hard and sometimes i can hardly breathe i cant seem to get out of bed and other times i cant seem to sleep at all, right now, i zone out alot and can never rememeber pretty much anything. all is routine yet all doesnt make sense everything is the same yet its all jumbled my head is spinning and i cant see a thing i feel like throwing up and fallin down i can yawn but i wont sleep my mind wid b blank and my heart racing or the other way around so basically im fucked up and idk y i need some1 to tell me wtf is going on but since no 1 but nick will prob read this since i have no life no friends nothing except my beating head and completely blank mind 
