renascence

While at times I can still be a stubborn red head with too much pride, I have learnt over the last few years 'when in doubt, ask for help'.

I dont know if I am specifically asking for help, but I will be honest, SG has very quickly become quite an addictive pleasure for me. I love the honesty, even when it stings a little, and I LOVE hearing all different people's take on things. I thrive on honesty. Maybe sometimes a little too much. I have a few close friends who are blatant with me, but on here I feel free to express and vent. Living in a foreign speaking country can leave you feeling a little alone at times.
So... here is what has been obsessively running around my mind ;

I have kind of, unintentionally, managed to put myself in a less than favorable living situation. I moved to France a year and a half ago after a failed relationship and I am so ashamed to say I still dont speak the language. The worst part is I can understand so much more of the language than when I first arrived, but every time i open my mouth to talk I just cant speak it. It sounds fucking awful. I butcher the beautiful language.

I work as a photo editor which means clients send me their photos over the web and I edit and return them = minimal contact and all old clients from USA. No French required. But shit money.

Next - A few months ago my Grandmother died. I lived next to her and Grandfather, she was like a second mother to me, and in a moment of pure panic for my Grandfather I decided to move in with him and keep him company.
Turns out I didn't really know what he was like and its been a hell of a learning curve. He's been in and out of hospital but most of his various illnesses are down to the fact he wont do ANYTHING but sit in a smelly old chair all night and day. So I clean up after him, feed him, medicate him and listen to him rant about all sorts of things. I stay away a few nights a week when I am working but he can be a little cruel and manipulative at times. I feel so bad saying this but I am going to need to move out soon before I go insane, or kill him. Im selfish, I know I have other family here and we all look after him, I just took it to a whole co-dependent level.

When I left Los Angeles i walked away from an entire life I had built over 10 years. I didn't know I wouldn't be returning the day I got on the plane. If I had I would have packed more clothes and my fav books, photos etc!! Anyway, I lost it all so I have had to rebuild myself (not a bad thing!). By the time I pay my bills etc I have very little left to save and lately i have realized it is very important to get a real job here, earning real money and finally learn the language and move forward.

So I feel a little lost. I need to learn French, school is expensive but would be an investment. I need to earn more so I can start living again, but feel bad leaving grandfather. And I earn shit money now so I dont quite know how to start?

Reading this probably reads like a whiny lil' bitch and the answers are probably black and white. But from the inside I cant see which way to go. My work dries up in 3 weeks until the new year. Should I spend money now on school or save it until I pick back up with work in new year? (I have been talking about school for months now) ??????

I think I need a slap and kick up the ass.
If anyone made it to the end of this boring entry, Im sorry, and thank you

So Slap and kick away.