Have you ever felt that your life has come to an impass, a time of just existing, where the subtle hum of everyday life seem to lull you into a false sense of comfort? Where the past electric memories of passions are the sensations long-dead nerves yearn to feel again? That knee-jerk reactions to current stimuli use to be wild primal intense urges, fueled by tangeable heat and sweat?
Fuck... it is with a very heavy heart that I admit my life has come to an impass. I find myself facing a decision which will change the path of my life forever, and I hope it does not come back to haunt me in the coming months. For those of you dying to know what I am refering to, here it is in it's simplicity: I need to break off a relationship. But this isn't just any relationship, this is the relationship which has defined my very self, social and phychological, for a very long time. For so long now that it seems like a blur looking back through the times when we weren't together. Funny thing is, I have never been the one on the breaking end of a relationship; it's always been me getting the "let's be friends" speech. So now I come to terms with this deed ahead of me, not knowing how to proceed, from the words to be said to the time after all has come to pass.
This decision has not come lightly to me. I have pondered it for a great time now, and everyone I have asked advice from tells me the same thing: do what makes you happy. But this only complicates the matter, for I then wonder about the happiness of the other involved. We had so many years together, shared so many memories and great times. And I can't justify my feeling by saying she and I have begun to drift apart. It is I who has done the drifting. And I feel so shitty for it. I read the words of my friends on here who have had to go through their own trials. I feel for them with my heart, yet now I am going to inflict this wound upon someone else? Better for me to suck it up than to make another unhappy because of my actions. But is it?
The thoughts come and go: what will I do after, what will she do after, can we still be friends (which is how we started)... if you have read this far you are to be commended for your efforts. I have avoided for a long time putting myself out here for the public to see because it goes against my nature. I am a reserved person, more akin to listening and taking in other's words. Now I place my own out here. Maybe this spilling of thoughts can help filter out the noise in my consciousness.
Fuck... it is with a very heavy heart that I admit my life has come to an impass. I find myself facing a decision which will change the path of my life forever, and I hope it does not come back to haunt me in the coming months. For those of you dying to know what I am refering to, here it is in it's simplicity: I need to break off a relationship. But this isn't just any relationship, this is the relationship which has defined my very self, social and phychological, for a very long time. For so long now that it seems like a blur looking back through the times when we weren't together. Funny thing is, I have never been the one on the breaking end of a relationship; it's always been me getting the "let's be friends" speech. So now I come to terms with this deed ahead of me, not knowing how to proceed, from the words to be said to the time after all has come to pass.
This decision has not come lightly to me. I have pondered it for a great time now, and everyone I have asked advice from tells me the same thing: do what makes you happy. But this only complicates the matter, for I then wonder about the happiness of the other involved. We had so many years together, shared so many memories and great times. And I can't justify my feeling by saying she and I have begun to drift apart. It is I who has done the drifting. And I feel so shitty for it. I read the words of my friends on here who have had to go through their own trials. I feel for them with my heart, yet now I am going to inflict this wound upon someone else? Better for me to suck it up than to make another unhappy because of my actions. But is it?
The thoughts come and go: what will I do after, what will she do after, can we still be friends (which is how we started)... if you have read this far you are to be commended for your efforts. I have avoided for a long time putting myself out here for the public to see because it goes against my nature. I am a reserved person, more akin to listening and taking in other's words. Now I place my own out here. Maybe this spilling of thoughts can help filter out the noise in my consciousness.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
taoshen:
Oh, what you doing next weekend? Beer? Pizza?
reptilia:
Hey, I noticed that the Fluffgirl Burlesque show was coming to Memphis (to the Hi-Tone on October 7th. I know you were interested when they came to Little Rock and didn't get the chance to see it. Just wanted to let you know in case you were interested in the long haul. 