relevantswitch

I'm having a Jerry McGuire moment, I've somehow managed to go to bed three times tonight only to find myself getting back out of it because my brain won't shut the hell up for ten minutes. The main problem is that I'm not really thinking about anything, there isn't a single thread of conscious thought, or purpose going on . . . just white noise.
Maybe sitting down and putting words to screen will quiet it, or maybe I need to smoke a hundred cigerettes and cough myself unconsious. . . where there's a will there is a way. Or maybe I'm starting to realize a life lesson here (thirty two years in the making). At the very center of my being, at my core I'm little more than a whore. Not in the most literal way possible mind you, but the same way most of us are. I simply want to be wanted in everything that I do. I want friends that want to talk to me, want my clients to want to speak to me, I want people to want to eat my meals, I want strangers to want to know me, yep guess I'm an attention whore. I rely on that, I can't live without it, and when I don't feel wanted I question my worth.
Moving can do that to people, I spent ten years in the military having a new scene ever two or three years. Starting over from scratch with new friends, new co-workers, and a new lease on life. I've managed to leave almost all of my old life behind and now that I want to settle down I don't remember how to get started.

(how much shit can I cram into a journal entry without actually saying anything?)



(I think my brain is broken, shitty prose warning below)


I managed to wake without sleeping,
and dreamed without making a sound.
had even had thoughts once, words so real and clean
that rain followed their echos and now they are silent
I couldn't even remember my voice, how it sounds
or the shape of the words in my mouth.


Well I've damaged myself enough for a night, g'night all......