rejoicingpeasant

so.. i suppose things are better.

i'm being optimistic. i'm getting my shit together. i've decided on botany and horticulture, and i plan on applying for financial aid as soon as i get my transcripts and everything else together. if i'm going to do this, i'm going to be ready.

i'm scared.

yesterday, i saw someone from high school. i know he saw me too, but as soon as we made eye-contact.. i sort of.. disappeared. i hid. i made bob go on register one, and i hid in the stock-room.

the guy's name is steve, and we were fake-friends. we didn't really talk much.. but a lot of his friends were my friends. there was absolutely no reason for me to get so intimidated, but i hid.

i cannot begin to list everything that's changed since high school. i've kept maybe two friends. i've never gone back. i did sort of go on a date with this one teacher, but after that.. well.. i hid again.

my past is my past. some of it isn't so bad. but it's the past. the word holds so many negative connotations in my mind. all of it is frightening. i'm sure i have some sort of social disability.

but i think things are getting better. and if i think they are, they must be. i've spent so much time dwelling on the negative. it isn't going to be easy to bring myself back from that, but i plan on trying until i succeed. and when that happens, i will have reached temperance.

i just wish i wasn't so lonely. i'm thinking of going back to bob. i miss having another warm body beside me at night.