reflectedimage

I am in a very contemplative mood so bear with me.

I am at a stage in my life when everyone around me is changing, well actually I am the one who is changed. I mean I have the same interests as I used to and the same basic beliefs, but I am tired of the teenage angst self-destructive bullshit. I know I am not the most sane person, but I know that I shouldnt be in the same neverending destructive cycle. its sad i see friends a couple of years older than me still doing the same thing as they were 5 years ago. I am not going to be stuck here. People need to evolve constantly, its the only way to better ourselves.

another thing, I have come to the conclusion that love is a paradox. I mean "love" as in a neverending want and loyalty and total emotional understanding is just an ideal that is rarely ever achieved. To me love encompasses both hate and attachment. It is much easier to hate someone you love than someone you are merely an acquaintance with. When I love someone I am connected with someone but if they do something to hurt me even a little bit, I become very upset, maybe it is because I put too much trust in them. or maybe love is an extreme intensification of all emotions, good or bad.

and to totally go out there...the question of god.
I totally believe in something. Not quite sure what it is but I do. I dont follow any dogma, I dont believe that by acting a certain way, holding certain morals, or performing certain rituals.....well I dont believe in the whole punishment thing. I mean rituals and morals are good and everything if they benefit you, i am saying we are free to choose what is best for us. Nietzche is right everything cannot be explained rationally. Humans, as well as all other animals, are at base guided by instinct, which are irrational. And if humans are irrational rational thought is an extension of an irrational instinct, I know I know this has been said a million times before but I totally agree. Well to get back on track, to steal another idea from another german, well a swiss german, carl jung, humans have a religious instinct. this of course explains the millions of religions around the world. it doesnt explain what god is, that is open to your subjective view.

AND ANOTHER THING, which ties in with jung, by the way i am not a jungian, i am tired of this machismo bullshit that society drills into our heads. the idea of your only a "real man" if you act a certain way. fuck that, it is totally unhealthy, it causes a fragmentation of our "psyche" to use jung's term our anima, the feminine side of our personality, has been totally repressed. Men need to learn to even out their feminine side and masculine side. I am not talking about becoming totally feminine but finding a midpoint. Show some fucking emotion, show your tears, follow your intuition, this macho bullshit of hiding your emotions is part of the problems we have in this country. I like to think of myself as someone who is very close to a midpoint or at a midpoint, not trying to sound cocky, depending on whether you think that "midpoint" is a good thing, well i think this because I cannot stand macho men and overly feminine women, I like women with some "balls", figuratively speaking, not totally masculine but not at all totally feminine, women who can take charge, but not to the point of being overwhelming, women who can act totally natural and not be embarrassed to let go, i dont get along with prisses, even as friends, and I dont get along with "manly" men, to quote sonic youth "my friends are girls wrapped in boys" and vice versa.