redmess

it may have gotten me. routine.

and i am afraid i'll fight it tooth and nail.

it's saturday night and i am worried i will do something foolish before going out tonight, like snort the little pale blue pill in the pink box on my vanity. or brew tea from the mushrooms hidden inside the ceramic owl peering hoo-hoo at me from the corner of my room. uhm uhm it's just i need something to make me feel anything at the moment, despite a day of physical pleasure with my man. can't seem to connect it to my state of mind, state of heart.
at night i am plagued by nightmares, anxiety ridden and manifesting in the morning time by way of shoulders stiffened immobile and head spinning before i open my damn eyes. so i hit the bottle before noon. slip into old unhealthy habits. sex mechanical. pacing the house like a caged beast. reading hundreds of pages a day, unable to process the influx of information, ideas, emotions. manic and innundated by everything at once. unable to return phonecalls, e-mails, texts. FUCK TECHNOLOGY. i will ride away from you all in a horse drawn carriage...

bah.

meh.

mragh.

i will blame the changing of the seasons. the entering into winter-time.

i will wait until the solstice to welcome in the frost.
til then i continue to harvest the greens from my garden. and sludge through the inbetween.

now on to debauchery this eve...time to pour on the bizarro baubles, scarves, and hat. lacquer my lashes and cast a spell. it's true, i do relish this present life of womanhood.





and after the substances and dancing and music and flirtation i will be all the more starry-eyed, wonder-struck, loose tongued, and prepared to man the coffee bar at church of beethoven tomorrow morning.

-over and out-