redfirefaery

The Last Hours of September 18, 2005

i sit down at the computer to check the messages i've gotten since i've been away. there is one there from my brother, tassilo, saying call or im me asap. so i respond.

the gist of his issue--ma is talking suicide and won't listen to anything anymore. i was angry.

did he call our younger brother? he tried, no answer at the house. does he have his cell? no, so i give the number and he calls. the call is handed to ma, she screams at youngest brother and hangs up on him. tassilo messages me again to let me know. i tell him to pick a fight with her. if she cares about anything, she will fight back and that will give the time needed. i call youngest brother. we hit the road for rochester, him from lockport with his lover, me from buffalo with spott, and prepare for a long night.

i arrive with spott to ma's house, youngest brother already there, tassilo sitting on the front steps looking rather forlorn. i think he can tell how i am feeling. he doesn't even try to stop me to hug me..

i walk into the house. ma sits on the couch listening, but not listening, to what youngest brother is saying quietly and calmly next to her. accusing she iss, accusing everyone around her of abandoning her, making her feel worthless. my blood rolls in my veins, throbbing as my head runs the banner loop "how dare she, how DARE she, HOW DARE SHE!?" i pace until youngest brother is finished with his words nobody hears. i don't pace long. once to the door and back. then it starts. she says something quiet and snide, jabbing at me like i have no right to my anger. i shout at her, tell her it is bullshit. all of it. she shouts back, trying to make a case. frustrated, angry tears stream down my face, and i scream at her. she believes not a word i say, hasn't believed in a while. how dare she. how dare she doubt the daughter that she raised. how dare she doubt my sincerity, my honesty, my steadfastness. how dare she call me my sister's name. how dare she! we scream at each other, and it is freeing. i have never screamed at her. ever. but i am stronger than her right now and she needs me to scream at her. she needs it. she needs to know, under no uncertain terms, that i keep my promises. i kept the recent one, and i will keep the old one. i will keep it. she thinks her family is falling apart. she blames herself. my sister is not hers. she did not teach her well enough. but my sister was never hers. never for a day. maybe for an hour, but never for a day. i was. i have been. i am. she needs to know, even if it takes screaming, barely coherent through the rivers of frustrated, disgusted, angry tears dripping off my chin and the tip of my nose. she needs to know so she doesn't try to take herself from me. from my brothers. from her husband. from her family. regardless of the waste of air i regretfully have to call my sister, ma is loved.

eventually things are quiet. they are calmer. tassilo's tears, never shed for a funeral or a wedding, fall, claiming her attention. her realization. youngest's tears, and his words through them "you have no right to take YOU from ME!" ring like crystal, claiming her attention. her realization. my anger, my raised voice, my quiet affirmation of an old promise, rise then fall, claiming her attention. her realization. she understands that it was only one. one absence hurts, shadowing her heart, but many lights shine brighter than ever.

healing begins.