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redfirefaery

Member Since 2004

Followers 29 Following 22

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Saturday Jul 09, 2005

Jul 9, 2005
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why is it that at times like this, i miss her? i miss her evil little laugh, i miss her cooking, and i miss the way she took care of me when i needed her to. but i don't want to. after all, i am the one who decided i couldn't be a part of that life anymore. i told her, if you go back, i can't go with you. you're on your own.

i couldn't handle her life. i couldn't handle that he treated her so badly she was on robot happy meds--that, incidentally, when she left she didn't need anymore. i told her when she left that if she ever went back i couldn't talk to her anymore. i couldn't be the support she wouldn't give herself. or that she wouldn't take. and i couldn't live knowing that she went back because of money. he had it, and she didn't, and he could afford the good lawyer. once they got to the custody battle, she went back.

and i hate him for it.

he played dirty, getting the best lawyer around, which i found out later HER MOTHER paid for, saying that i was engaging in "lesbian activity" in front of their year-old son.

you know the part that kills me? i wasn't. the only reason i wasn't was because i made a deal with my pixie when i started seeing spott. to me, any kind of love is good love to show in front of a child. not naked, wild, having sex, but affection. i had made a deal with pixie that i wouldn't even kiss my own girlfriend in front of her son. and i never did.

after pixie found out what a good lawyer would cost to fight to keep her son, literally a day after, i made the mistake of going away for the weekend with spott. i wasn't gone more than 4 hours when she called spott's phone and told her she was seeing that asshole again, and that they were going to live together and go to counseling. well, if she doesn't have the respect for herself that she needs to stay the hell away from him, i don't have the respect for her i need to be her friend.

i kept my mouth shut for a couple weeks.
then i moved out with spott because pixie had "assumed" i was going then, and had started moving HIS stuff into MY HOME.

i'd like her to have the self-respect to get away from him, but i know it will never happen. her mother raised a door mat. and i can't let myself love her anymore.
jazz:
that all sounds very sad. Love is love is love. Its a blessing to find love. I hope all ends well.

MWAH!
Jazz
kiss
Jul 9, 2005
abyssia:
This may sound odd, but once I've loved a person I don't stop. I may have to keep myself away from them and their daily affairs, but I never stop caring about and loving them. I know you need distance right now, but I also know you are capable of love in ways so few are - deeper and stronger and purer than most dare embrace. I'm thinking that maybe, in time, you'll be able to love without the involvement. To keep the good memories close and to do what you need in order to maintain your own sanity. Then again, maybe you and I experience love or define love more differently than I thought. I never thought I would read "I can't let myself love..." from you! I'm confused and concerned. Consternation is a good word to use here - but I'm afraid I've left the rails of sense and gone flying off on one of my tangents. In the end, whatever you need do for yourself is the right thing to do. I may seem to flit in and out (I sometimes do) but I am here and I care. Now you're stuck with me!
Jul 9, 2005

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