recoveringmale

Well, I've done it. After all my stressing out and panic attacks and generally miserable mood the last few months, I have completed my application to Reed. Done and done. The next few years of my life rest on how this goes. It is surreal to think that it's done and all I can do now is wait.
I have been wanting to go to school here for over a year. But I botched last year's deadline with my procrastination and insecurity and inability to read the fine print. It's been my worst nightmare to imagine that happening again this year, the thought of fucking up again and having to kick around town in a job I hate when I just want to be a student again. I miss that lifestyle. It's been a long time. I was so afraid that I would fuck it up again.
But the papers have been filed. The essays written and turned in. Recommendations sent. It is done.

And I am spent.

And now, instead of hooting and jumping and cutting mad capers of glee that I did it, that despite all my fear and self-doubt I pulled it together in time and proved to myself that I could, instead of celebrating by getting utterly arseholed, I have to return to the reading for the class I'm auditing, studying landscape painting in the Song Dynasty. I want to drink red wine and read about Lyra and Will finding their way through the suburbs of the dead, not sit in a dark room and look at slides.

But I must be disciplined, at least for a few hours more. We'll see how the evening goes.

Right now I want to dance around the room to Begin the Begin:

Birdie in the hand for life's rich demand
The insurgency began and you missed it
I looked for it and I found it
Miles Standish proud, congratulate me
~r.e.m.