recoveringmale

Warning: for those who've come to expect brevity from me, here I go getting all long-winded again.

Being back here feels like I've stepped into a time warp. Nothing has changed, and there's still nothing to do around town.
I ran into an acquaintance at the airport and we sat together on the plane, talking and enjoying each others' company, and that has been the highlight of my entire visit so far. We said goodbye when we arrived in Sac, she with her family and I with mine. I know perfectly well it's not a situation that will lead to anything. But that's never stopped me from getting infatuated before, so...
I am tired. What was I thinking when I imagined that a vacation would be a time of rest? Yesterday I got a bunch of movies from my Amazon wishlist and some money which will go to paying for my computer and rent and so on. It's not that important to me anymore to get things. I just want good moments with people I care about.

with eyeliner
looking in the mirror
I gladly walk away from the past

Do you ever find yourself doing something and listening to music in the background, and a song or particular lyric comes on which is so fitting for that exact moment in your life it makes you do a double-take? I had that experience while folding laundry listening to the Flaming Lips years ago, and a couple days ago listening to Big Star. While it wasn't technically Christmas yet, it still struck me enough to give me pause.
My family is finally starting to come apart at the seams. My 13-year old cousin Adam has been depressed and failing school and his home life is fucked, and none of the adults in the family, while worrying themselves silly over this, know how to handle it; so naturally I was called upon to try and talk to him. He's gone the way of Hot Topic, it seems, but I found him easy enough to relate to. All I had to do was treat him like an intelligent human being instead of a child. Why is that so hard for people? Anyhow, I hope I helped him a little bit. It's hard to find a friend, especially when you're the freak in an all-Christian middle school. I can only imagine.
My grandmother is here and she is simply a mess. She must be 92 at least, and has recently developed some kind of illness (what it is escapes me right now) that has reduced her appetite to zero and is probably fatal. They are trying to give her pot brownies to help increase her appetite (the fact that she's agreed tells me how serious it is). I try to be patient, as she is very slow and asks questions about utterly boring things and weighs about as much as a feather. I feel fairly certain that I will not see her again after this trip. So I want to be as compassionate as I can.
Last night the weight of all the memories and goings-on finally became too much and I broke down in tears. I shouldn't have planned to be here for 6 days. I don't relate anymore and I miss Portland terribly. I miss my home (this place no longer feels anything like one) and the cats and my friends.

You know the old saying, you can't go home again...

It's absolutely true. Don't even try.