hmmm...
I have felt incredibly ridiculous lately. I don't know.
Drugs are pretty off the wall and they can do a lot to a person. That's something I have always known, but maybe have failed to acknowledge in my own life until recently. I think I need some sober time.
Someone stole/I lost my wallet in my apartment on Saturday night/Sunday morning. In some sort of fucked up way - it's almost a good thing. It yanked me back into reality. Like, "HEY - YOU! Newsflash: You have a life and need to tend to it!"
I have felt so "heady" lately. Like - I THINK TOO MUCH. And after tripping my balls off 3 times in the past season, I think I just need some time to see the seasons change, see time move forward, and feel more normal again. I am a ridiculous, even ridonkulous young lady. When I trip, I trip HARD. I am cool with that - but I am not so sure that I ever want to do it again.
A few things have really helped me to feel grounded, though.
1. Jeremy
2. yoga
3. the beautiful weather and daylight
4. conversing with equally insane people
5. conversing with equally normal people
6. and last night - elliott smith.
Man, Elliott always finds a way to speak to my life - it's so cool. I got ridiculously high last night for the first time in a few days, and I watched the Rock'n'Roll circus DVD for the first time in months, and I hung out with Carli - an old friend from high school. I have been avoiding EVERYONE I went to high school with, but it's about time I start seeing people again. I know why I felt the need to burn most of the bridges - but I really think some people I knew/know are wonderful. shmrr. Anyway...Carli and I started talking about religion, and I told her that I am nearly positive that there is something bigger and that it's a beautiful, benevolent force. It felt so good to say that. Anyway - she left and I couldn't stop thinking and I felt so insane - so finally I turned out the lights, turned up Elliott, and laid down.
Here's the song that made me feel better:
I'm goin out sleep walking,
Where mute memories start talking.
The boss that couldn't help but hurt you
And the pretty thing he made desert you.
I'm going out like a baby,
A niave and unsatisfiable baby,
Grabbing on to whatever's around,
For the soaring high or the crashing down.
With hidden cracks that don't show,
But that constantly just grow.
I'm lookin for the man that attacked me
While everybody was laughing at me.
You beat it in me - that part of you,
But I'm gonna split us back in two.
Tired of living in a cloud,
If you're gonna say shit, you gotta do it outloud.
It's 2:45 in the morning
And I'm putting myself on warning
For waking up in an unknown place
With a recollection you've half erased.
Looking for somebody's arms to
Wave away past harms.
I'm walking out on center circle,
The both of you can just fade to black.
I'm walking out on center circle,
Been pushed away and I'll never go back.
Yeah...he understands EXACTLY how I feel. And yeah - it's ridiculous for sure.
I have felt incredibly ridiculous lately. I don't know.
Drugs are pretty off the wall and they can do a lot to a person. That's something I have always known, but maybe have failed to acknowledge in my own life until recently. I think I need some sober time.
Someone stole/I lost my wallet in my apartment on Saturday night/Sunday morning. In some sort of fucked up way - it's almost a good thing. It yanked me back into reality. Like, "HEY - YOU! Newsflash: You have a life and need to tend to it!"
I have felt so "heady" lately. Like - I THINK TOO MUCH. And after tripping my balls off 3 times in the past season, I think I just need some time to see the seasons change, see time move forward, and feel more normal again. I am a ridiculous, even ridonkulous young lady. When I trip, I trip HARD. I am cool with that - but I am not so sure that I ever want to do it again.
A few things have really helped me to feel grounded, though.
1. Jeremy
2. yoga
3. the beautiful weather and daylight
4. conversing with equally insane people
5. conversing with equally normal people
6. and last night - elliott smith.
Man, Elliott always finds a way to speak to my life - it's so cool. I got ridiculously high last night for the first time in a few days, and I watched the Rock'n'Roll circus DVD for the first time in months, and I hung out with Carli - an old friend from high school. I have been avoiding EVERYONE I went to high school with, but it's about time I start seeing people again. I know why I felt the need to burn most of the bridges - but I really think some people I knew/know are wonderful. shmrr. Anyway...Carli and I started talking about religion, and I told her that I am nearly positive that there is something bigger and that it's a beautiful, benevolent force. It felt so good to say that. Anyway - she left and I couldn't stop thinking and I felt so insane - so finally I turned out the lights, turned up Elliott, and laid down.
Here's the song that made me feel better:
I'm goin out sleep walking,
Where mute memories start talking.
The boss that couldn't help but hurt you
And the pretty thing he made desert you.
I'm going out like a baby,
A niave and unsatisfiable baby,
Grabbing on to whatever's around,
For the soaring high or the crashing down.
With hidden cracks that don't show,
But that constantly just grow.
I'm lookin for the man that attacked me
While everybody was laughing at me.
You beat it in me - that part of you,
But I'm gonna split us back in two.
Tired of living in a cloud,
If you're gonna say shit, you gotta do it outloud.
It's 2:45 in the morning
And I'm putting myself on warning
For waking up in an unknown place
With a recollection you've half erased.
Looking for somebody's arms to
Wave away past harms.
I'm walking out on center circle,
The both of you can just fade to black.
I'm walking out on center circle,
Been pushed away and I'll never go back.
Yeah...he understands EXACTLY how I feel. And yeah - it's ridiculous for sure.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
i'm on an extended vacation from hallucinogens after my last trip made me start thinking about "time" in this crazy way that i still think about a lot.
also, the things that make me feel better are: Carrie, yoga, gorgeous weather (aka not winter, cause i even like the rain), my good friends, and of course, elliot. he actually went to my college.
have you ever heard "songs from a basement on a hill"? that was his last album before he stabbed his heart. it's amazing. check it out.
finally: (refer to my journal entry for more) i have a really bad problem with burning bridges. i hate most of the people from my highschool, and i've definately cut off most communication from them all. i see them sometimes at social things at my best friend's house when i'm florida, but that's always awkward and uncomfrotable. i do have a handful of reallly great people from that period in my life though, and they're equally as wonderful as the rest of my school is awful.
so, good luck with cutting back, clearing up. bye
A niave and unsatisfiable baby,
Grabbing on to whatever's around,
For the soaring high or the crashing down
wow
thats like, i love that!
where are you how are you and things like this, fill me in my sexy little smurf