recidivi5t

i'm cooped up inside so my eyes don't burn out. i resign myself to the fact that i'm in hiding no matter what the weather is.

actually that's not true. if it was 65-75 with a nice breeze all the time, i would be homeless just for the weather. i'm probably gonna homeless soon anyway.

i'm writing in a dark room, practicing & recording some more crap. what kind of lifestyle is this? in hiding, just to prepare for the brief moments i can play out? weird. you walk down the street, and you feel so removed from what else is happening around you. i bought my meat & dairy caveman food for the week at fairway today and standing in line i felt so out of place.

and at the same time, i know that i don't want what everyone else in line has. except for the carbo-food; i want that but can't have it, or in two days i'll be living off of a 5 pound bag of refined sugar.

i'm talking more about the general things in life. stuff...don't really want too much of it; i'm not into aquiring more things. money...serves its purpose but spending it on anything more than necessities makes me feel guilty. culture via TV...give me a fucking break. i do enjoy a good stylish haircut every now and then. what else? a relationship? i am too preoccupied with music and words to give anything substantial to anybody. i hurt whomever loves me by by default because of my emotional unavailability. besides, who really wants to date a starving musician? i mean really date.

and what does this all add up to? where is it heading? i have no fucking idea, i just know that i'm fucking hell bent on this crazy path to find out what i really really am. so i just work. all the time.