rebel84

so my mom told my dad that he could come home. i'm a little uncomfortable with all of it but i guess i just have to deal with it. i haven't spoken to my dad in like 3 months. i don't like him right now. he cheated on my mom and stole money from both of us. i don't want to see hm but i guess i don't have a choice. my mom has been married tohim for 30 yrs and he was always good to her until about a 1 1/2 yrs ago. i don't think she should take hin back. but i've never been there so i guess i don't know the half of it. i think if he comes back i have to move out. i can't live with him out of my disgust for him. but i'm scared to move out on my own. i make ok money but i don't think its enough to be uot on my own. apartments out here are pretty expensive. i'm so nervous right now. doc isn't steady with work right now so it would be all me. i know i could do it but i am still scared. i will have nothing left in my savings, but i feel like it is what i have to do. i cant live with him after all that has happened. i feel like a stranger in my own life. every day for the past yr i have woken up and not recognized myself. i am angry and sad. my mom has been inconsolible at times. over him. and now its going to be here in my house. i don't know what to do. theres actually nothing i can do.

i feel childish when i feel these things. i am a grown woman. but i can't shake the disappointment i feel. my father loves me and misses me but i can't bring myself to answer the phone when he calls. the havoc he has brought to my life is unreal. and it is about to get worse. my mother is my best friend. we are always there for one another but i can't approve of what is happening. some people don't deserve second chances

i just wish my life could be normal for one day. where this wasn't constantly hanging over my head. where i didn't have to clean up the mess left behind by others. its so hard sometimes to talk to other people about these things because its so hard to put into words. if you haven't dealt with something like it you don't know. it isn't even about me either really. its about the balance in my life. i want to fix it always and this time i just can't. i want to be there for my mom but i have been almost too selfless and it has drained me and strained my relationship with others. i feel lonely sometimes. like i can't relate to the other people in my life because i am so proccupied with all these things. and i feel selfish if i let it get to me, like i don't have a right to feel like that.

is this normal? who knows maybe i'm rambling. or maybe i'm acting like a baby. but it feels so good just to let it out. just to own my feelings and not have to explain them or justify them because i feel guilty.

for those of you who read this blog, thank you. you have no idea what it really means to me.