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realistic67

Vancouver

Member Since 2005

Followers 40 Following 52

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Monday Dec 14, 2009

Dec 13, 2009
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The Unknowing.... of need... or want

After survival... what else is there?

Really....Once you have a place ( cave ) warmth ( modern heat, water, light..etc. ) food supply ( groceries, resturants ) weapons ( job, guns, knives, ) what does one need... ?

NEED..? NEEEDDDDD????.....Companionship... as people.. we survive better in groups... we cling to each other as our last defense from the cold... Even with our defenses up like porcupines covered in prickly spines we still yearn for the warmth of another... but not so close as to give over our existance.... get pricked.... get hurt... suffer damage... and be exposed once again to the cold... outsider... loneliness.

Why do we need companionship? Is it part of survival? ....Yes I guess it is... it's procreation.... some survival impulse asks us to create little nodes of ourselves.

( My brother just did that... with some girl, who I've never met.. who he left Canada for. That little boy looks so much like him in the current photos it's scary....)

That's genes...needs... survival. The child as an infant ( defenseless...) so genes make him look like the father so that the father doesn't kill his offspring. This shows more need, an extention of protection. He... that child... as an adult will protect his father when he's old. As he will identify with him, understand my brother as community.... one of those persons who cared for him... defended his existance.

Is this why modern life and people are all out of sorts? Because thru modern convention there's one huge, massive group of repetative generations that are or feel ostrasized, biologically. That, as offspring experienced wholesale abandonment by thier parents as children... That thease children in thier entirety grew up without this esential, primal connection. That essential genetic emotional connection that comes from primative community, and the basic survival instincts that get fostered there?

And what does this have to do with the three women I've found myself having slept with this year... after several years of no such contact like this...?

Why do I want all three of them for three different reasons... when I was. then or, as now I am... while unknowing of what I want when I see them.... except desire... or when I think of them

Do any of them think of me? and if they do, what do they need?... or want?

What do I want?.. with each of them I thought I knew what it was....That certainty or experience of being inside them.

Like the procupine... I'd let myself be stung.. pricked by the other... To chance a desire of some sort of extra connection... A survival tactic... in one case... far from home.... maybe in the case a possible, perfect procreation.

It's funny that one preoccupies my mind more than the others... even though I wish it wasn't so... as it reminds me so much of that very... other ...one... the last one that made me wish I didn't exist at all ever again.. when she left for someone who was more... procreative... or had more survival quotent... who knows?

All I know is after having suffered the Xmas party... and burnt al that angst of dealing with people I really don't need ... and some who I don't even want in my life any more it off. I went to my place...my cave... my tribe... my connections with others... Others who don't try to hurt me by getting too close. I felt much better.. even though I sensed I was pushing whenI talked... was that me reaching out.... looking for protection?

Or am I thinking too much?

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