Thinking And Wishing - Too Much
We were trying to see if having a lust thing would work...
It works for me, but not her. Except the good sex, she, was trying this to make me happy. Inviting me over for a possible friends with benefits, sex romp. When really what she wants is love and to be happy and she doesn't feel that for me. I can't fault her for wanting that...I could protest ( and part of me wanted to ) that this is all in fun sex / lust till you meet that guy you can love.
But, I had to admit I keep wishing that guy was me. Being with her, inside her, feeling those feelings, ( Plus, Those incredible, endless skipping stones on the water, orgasms - I have never felt before and I'm afraid I'll never experience again with anyone so stunningly wonderful ) and more importantly...her sensing my real desire for something more complete with her - That cocks it all up to use a word.
It makes her anxious again not to hurt me...she doesn't want to be roped into a relationship with someone she doesn't feel those feelings for automatically. I understand that, even though I'm sad I couldn't invoke those feelings in her. Especially since I thought I was feeling those feeling in her, for me at the start of June. And so I keep asking the question here, now drinking my wine. Where and why did those feeling go away?
Why did she want me back in june?
AND
Why does any woman want me?
What did she see in me? What was I to her ( once again - "man tries to understand what the hell went wrong" Hell, what was I to any of them...I've never been the guy the women stay for... I've always wanted that, be the one... the one that helps complete someone else. Be that person that sees her the way she's always wanted to be seen, but more importantly. Be with her who sees me the way I see myself. And, in every relationship I've been in mind you it's only been a few. I've been honest about that want... and what I saw in her. )
I've always found women's thinking and feelings impenetrable. Or, because of the first women I ever fell in love with lied to me ( One for what she thought was my own good - Christine avoiding saying what she changed her mind too during college - Not wanting to hurt me. And the other, out of self preservation, to stop from being found out to be cheating. - Not wanting to be seen as the bad person ) I have this automatic response to not trust those things a woman says, in those moments when it all goes south. When oddly I want so much to trust everything she says or does when it's all going swimmingly during that courtship phase.
So, I'm just going to trust that I made her feel beautiful... And she made me feel for a month... One puzzle piece less broken hearted, inside me... Something so strong carried me this last month. While, my heart reeled above her in the ceiling of the theatre. And I had to take a deep breath every time I opened the door to the auditorium, while venturing through her work place. Just so I could have the life to be, attempt to be best to be the best ex-lover ever. And on the honest side I made a very lovely piece of art while putting thoughts of her gorgeous body aside... Really... I missed my calling as an Art Forger.
Thank god I have work away from the theatre. NYC to visit in the fall, ( As my Sister " Grave " illness has turned out to be just more manipulation on her part. ) Plus, I'm not back to the Stanley till early November... It will make a friend thing more possible. And I'll always have the memory of june 2009.
But, moving on? Problem is I don't want to date women my age who might be interested me. The ones I've contacted or met over the last few years... They all seem so bitter... Many are single moms, who are emotionally reeling and hurt by the immensity of being single and having another innocent person dependent on them, alone. They see their husbands trading in on young wives and are feeling cast out, gypped out of the good life, and love. They see me as the NOT Lawyer Doctor trade up guy. I'm the guy they dated in their fun free 20's before landing the great guy they could take home to Mom and Dad.
Except, I have chatted with one who doesn't seem that way... She's from Paris... runs a vintage clothing store. I plan to visit her store and chat her up See if she'd be willing to go for Coffee.
We were trying to see if having a lust thing would work...
It works for me, but not her. Except the good sex, she, was trying this to make me happy. Inviting me over for a possible friends with benefits, sex romp. When really what she wants is love and to be happy and she doesn't feel that for me. I can't fault her for wanting that...I could protest ( and part of me wanted to ) that this is all in fun sex / lust till you meet that guy you can love.
But, I had to admit I keep wishing that guy was me. Being with her, inside her, feeling those feelings, ( Plus, Those incredible, endless skipping stones on the water, orgasms - I have never felt before and I'm afraid I'll never experience again with anyone so stunningly wonderful ) and more importantly...her sensing my real desire for something more complete with her - That cocks it all up to use a word.
It makes her anxious again not to hurt me...she doesn't want to be roped into a relationship with someone she doesn't feel those feelings for automatically. I understand that, even though I'm sad I couldn't invoke those feelings in her. Especially since I thought I was feeling those feeling in her, for me at the start of June. And so I keep asking the question here, now drinking my wine. Where and why did those feeling go away?
Why did she want me back in june?
AND
Why does any woman want me?
What did she see in me? What was I to her ( once again - "man tries to understand what the hell went wrong" Hell, what was I to any of them...I've never been the guy the women stay for... I've always wanted that, be the one... the one that helps complete someone else. Be that person that sees her the way she's always wanted to be seen, but more importantly. Be with her who sees me the way I see myself. And, in every relationship I've been in mind you it's only been a few. I've been honest about that want... and what I saw in her. )
I've always found women's thinking and feelings impenetrable. Or, because of the first women I ever fell in love with lied to me ( One for what she thought was my own good - Christine avoiding saying what she changed her mind too during college - Not wanting to hurt me. And the other, out of self preservation, to stop from being found out to be cheating. - Not wanting to be seen as the bad person ) I have this automatic response to not trust those things a woman says, in those moments when it all goes south. When oddly I want so much to trust everything she says or does when it's all going swimmingly during that courtship phase.
So, I'm just going to trust that I made her feel beautiful... And she made me feel for a month... One puzzle piece less broken hearted, inside me... Something so strong carried me this last month. While, my heart reeled above her in the ceiling of the theatre. And I had to take a deep breath every time I opened the door to the auditorium, while venturing through her work place. Just so I could have the life to be, attempt to be best to be the best ex-lover ever. And on the honest side I made a very lovely piece of art while putting thoughts of her gorgeous body aside... Really... I missed my calling as an Art Forger.
Thank god I have work away from the theatre. NYC to visit in the fall, ( As my Sister " Grave " illness has turned out to be just more manipulation on her part. ) Plus, I'm not back to the Stanley till early November... It will make a friend thing more possible. And I'll always have the memory of june 2009.
But, moving on? Problem is I don't want to date women my age who might be interested me. The ones I've contacted or met over the last few years... They all seem so bitter... Many are single moms, who are emotionally reeling and hurt by the immensity of being single and having another innocent person dependent on them, alone. They see their husbands trading in on young wives and are feeling cast out, gypped out of the good life, and love. They see me as the NOT Lawyer Doctor trade up guy. I'm the guy they dated in their fun free 20's before landing the great guy they could take home to Mom and Dad.
Except, I have chatted with one who doesn't seem that way... She's from Paris... runs a vintage clothing store. I plan to visit her store and chat her up See if she'd be willing to go for Coffee.