Sadness....
Earlier this evening I get a call... It's my brother. Who wants to arrange a key drop off. ( he's moving forever to Berlin... and he wants to drop off keys...thru someone else. ) This is where we are now. In the thick of things, he's too embarassed about what a Hypocrate he's been over the past year to even have me part of his leaving.
So, I'm like well, drop them off before you send off. So, he does. He asks me to meet him at the curb and the car drives up and he's All... Here's my Taxes for dad to do ( Like he's worked this out or something...) And can you go visit the Moggie before Shirley gets back from Mexico.... Nothing about goodbye.. or missing me... or even the $$$$ he owes me for the busted timing belt and two VW Valves.
Hands me the keys ( to his apartment and MY car.. ) and goes to shake my hand... like I'm some work aquaintance or something minor in his life.
My response? Fuck That.. and I reach into his friends car and give him a hug. Knocking off his straw cowboy hat. Wish him well, and ask him to call or email me when he's safely in germany...
He's my brother.. I can't but wish him well. Bloods thicker than water....all that stuff. And the car drives away...
So, I never got to celibrate his leaving.. Nor meet his new love... I went off to Descent Sundays.. Danced to heavy industrial music. Got drunk in his stead... And wished him well, alone over some delicious Caesars.
I'm O.k. with that even though the sadness hurts....It hits the least when I'm drunk. Everyone who's hurt me fades away a bit so it doesn't matter when I'm drunk... that the best part of being drunk... the mutting of pain.
But... it ends here. Pain over me and him. No more holding it... keeping it in. It's done. He's a european family member now. That's it... I have me here and now to look after. To be self honorable too.
And, Ive been afforded a silent, hidden prize... I get to know what it's like. To not live life for a change inside the too close shadow of my elder brother...
I might actually enjoy aspects of this....who knows????
Earlier this evening I get a call... It's my brother. Who wants to arrange a key drop off. ( he's moving forever to Berlin... and he wants to drop off keys...thru someone else. ) This is where we are now. In the thick of things, he's too embarassed about what a Hypocrate he's been over the past year to even have me part of his leaving.
So, I'm like well, drop them off before you send off. So, he does. He asks me to meet him at the curb and the car drives up and he's All... Here's my Taxes for dad to do ( Like he's worked this out or something...) And can you go visit the Moggie before Shirley gets back from Mexico.... Nothing about goodbye.. or missing me... or even the $$$$ he owes me for the busted timing belt and two VW Valves.
Hands me the keys ( to his apartment and MY car.. ) and goes to shake my hand... like I'm some work aquaintance or something minor in his life.
My response? Fuck That.. and I reach into his friends car and give him a hug. Knocking off his straw cowboy hat. Wish him well, and ask him to call or email me when he's safely in germany...
He's my brother.. I can't but wish him well. Bloods thicker than water....all that stuff. And the car drives away...
So, I never got to celibrate his leaving.. Nor meet his new love... I went off to Descent Sundays.. Danced to heavy industrial music. Got drunk in his stead... And wished him well, alone over some delicious Caesars.
I'm O.k. with that even though the sadness hurts....It hits the least when I'm drunk. Everyone who's hurt me fades away a bit so it doesn't matter when I'm drunk... that the best part of being drunk... the mutting of pain.
But... it ends here. Pain over me and him. No more holding it... keeping it in. It's done. He's a european family member now. That's it... I have me here and now to look after. To be self honorable too.
And, Ive been afforded a silent, hidden prize... I get to know what it's like. To not live life for a change inside the too close shadow of my elder brother...
I might actually enjoy aspects of this....who knows????
jewelz:
Wow, you have a way with words hun! Your imagery was very strong with this....the picture painted was very clear 
wanderlustt:
Good for you for taking the initiative to hug your brother goodbye. Hugs