Moving On Up....
I've been in the middle of a slow period. Very few shows before the PNE August fair. And, I've been distracted by thoughts of a pretty friend who used to be more. But really, Spinning wheels, turning around.
But, I've realized as before, and once again. My experiences with most women is, as always quick a dead end. That, I always find myself alone. Having to prompt myself to act, if I can find that singular courage.
Thinking too much. Fearing reacting or saying the wrong thing. Losing what I already have. And then, in the terms of them ( women ).... just not acting.
It's frustrating, as it's always been this way since I remember finding girls attractive. ( it was so much easier when I just played with them in elementary school and the just asked me to kiss them. - That was so long ago that it feels more like a dream. ) Now, I search my brain and / or my heart to figure out that control point that I see so many other men seem to have. Or, have the ability to convince themselves of. And I never see it for real. Even though I live through that sweet mirage daily.
The Spamalot spot gig was a real eye opener. I haven't, jumped in, focused down, worked that hard and had that kind of "in the moment" blood sweat running down the back of my existence point in some time. It's like parachuting into enemy territory. Where all you know, all you trust for certain outside of you, is the boots on your feet. Just millimeters of hard leather outside every quiet step, once landing.
In the last week while I've been chilling out trying to get rid of an evil chest cold. People around the Community ( Local Theatre ) have either come up to me and shook my hand over the work they heard or saw I did that weekend. Or when they hear me tell it. Are really struck by the fact that I even offered to take the gig on. ( Me....? I was really honored that a local guy, who tours with these huge Broadway tours all the time asked me to replace the guy that I did, at short notice. And when I asked him who else he asked. He said... "just you." And thanked me. )
It's like I finally landed. Retouched a new plain of existence in my own geeky world. After a long time of floating. And not just bumbled into it, as I have on other occasions in the past. ( And then been thrown back by circumstance ) but was asked to jump in because they saw more in me than I've seen in myself in a long time.
So, when I found out that The Playhouse Theatre was in start of the summer Maintenance mode. And that their New Vari-lite moving lights and programming board was available to members to play with. I turned down a week of basic joe, stage carp work, happliy sucked up the cost and dived in for a day and a half of playing with sexy cool moving lights.....
And I've realized I've missed being a Board Op.
It's kind of the "Maverick" gig in theatre. People treat you as someone special. And, it feels like your painting with light... I mean it's still.... It's fun to focus, high up above the stage connecting with the Designer, lamp after lamp while feeling like your defying gravity. But, it's something else to make those decisions, design wise. And more impressively. Make it happen by the act of a few key strokes on a specialized computer platform.
Hit GO and watch the lights move effortlessly from pretty cue to pretty cue. Watch them over and over....finessing them repeatedly click by click of keyboard. Really it's the ultimate control. That mini realization that I now, really know as to how to move these, individual, thousand dollar lighting instruments. Through time and space over a stage. Make them flare and die like shooting stars....
I see desire... and I see a way out of a place I don't want to be anymore. A place full of Amateur, penny pinching, ignorant stupidity. Where crew are treated like spark plugs, and selling the poster outside means more than the show itself on stage. And the people who sweat long dark hours for it. I realize I've been also settling for less. Just as much as they have. Because I, like them haven't stepped it up in the past few years. And really challenged me....
Well, NO MORE.....
Women might not respect me ( unless I kowtowed and listened to them... been their father confessor. Self - Neutered.. a drone ) But, I have new proof my work peers do. And by God... I'm going to work with that... And MOVE ON UP.
I've been in the middle of a slow period. Very few shows before the PNE August fair. And, I've been distracted by thoughts of a pretty friend who used to be more. But really, Spinning wheels, turning around.
But, I've realized as before, and once again. My experiences with most women is, as always quick a dead end. That, I always find myself alone. Having to prompt myself to act, if I can find that singular courage.
Thinking too much. Fearing reacting or saying the wrong thing. Losing what I already have. And then, in the terms of them ( women ).... just not acting.
It's frustrating, as it's always been this way since I remember finding girls attractive. ( it was so much easier when I just played with them in elementary school and the just asked me to kiss them. - That was so long ago that it feels more like a dream. ) Now, I search my brain and / or my heart to figure out that control point that I see so many other men seem to have. Or, have the ability to convince themselves of. And I never see it for real. Even though I live through that sweet mirage daily.
The Spamalot spot gig was a real eye opener. I haven't, jumped in, focused down, worked that hard and had that kind of "in the moment" blood sweat running down the back of my existence point in some time. It's like parachuting into enemy territory. Where all you know, all you trust for certain outside of you, is the boots on your feet. Just millimeters of hard leather outside every quiet step, once landing.
In the last week while I've been chilling out trying to get rid of an evil chest cold. People around the Community ( Local Theatre ) have either come up to me and shook my hand over the work they heard or saw I did that weekend. Or when they hear me tell it. Are really struck by the fact that I even offered to take the gig on. ( Me....? I was really honored that a local guy, who tours with these huge Broadway tours all the time asked me to replace the guy that I did, at short notice. And when I asked him who else he asked. He said... "just you." And thanked me. )
It's like I finally landed. Retouched a new plain of existence in my own geeky world. After a long time of floating. And not just bumbled into it, as I have on other occasions in the past. ( And then been thrown back by circumstance ) but was asked to jump in because they saw more in me than I've seen in myself in a long time.
So, when I found out that The Playhouse Theatre was in start of the summer Maintenance mode. And that their New Vari-lite moving lights and programming board was available to members to play with. I turned down a week of basic joe, stage carp work, happliy sucked up the cost and dived in for a day and a half of playing with sexy cool moving lights.....
And I've realized I've missed being a Board Op.
It's kind of the "Maverick" gig in theatre. People treat you as someone special. And, it feels like your painting with light... I mean it's still.... It's fun to focus, high up above the stage connecting with the Designer, lamp after lamp while feeling like your defying gravity. But, it's something else to make those decisions, design wise. And more impressively. Make it happen by the act of a few key strokes on a specialized computer platform.
Hit GO and watch the lights move effortlessly from pretty cue to pretty cue. Watch them over and over....finessing them repeatedly click by click of keyboard. Really it's the ultimate control. That mini realization that I now, really know as to how to move these, individual, thousand dollar lighting instruments. Through time and space over a stage. Make them flare and die like shooting stars....
I see desire... and I see a way out of a place I don't want to be anymore. A place full of Amateur, penny pinching, ignorant stupidity. Where crew are treated like spark plugs, and selling the poster outside means more than the show itself on stage. And the people who sweat long dark hours for it. I realize I've been also settling for less. Just as much as they have. Because I, like them haven't stepped it up in the past few years. And really challenged me....
Well, NO MORE.....
Women might not respect me ( unless I kowtowed and listened to them... been their father confessor. Self - Neutered.. a drone ) But, I have new proof my work peers do. And by God... I'm going to work with that... And MOVE ON UP.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
anthea:
There was a full solar eclipse over northern norway 
I'll post pictures of it later 
I'll post pictures of it later 
silencia:
Thank you for commenting on the second coming of my "Sleeping with Ghosts" set. You rock!