rcrx

I've always been lucky. Not in the win a gazillion dollars sort of way but in smaller ways. Part of this has been a near perfect run of saving things at the last moment. Whether it was games, assignments, projects or whatever, I've usually managed to pull things off in the end. This appears to have run out. I'm on the verge of letting my landlord know I have to move, because I haven't found a job after months of trying. I've been applying but so far nothing but rejection and faint hope. I realize that I've dropped into..well not quite depression, but something close. Let's say it's dysthymia. I fear the next phase of actually having to move back to my childhood home, a place of such mixed emotions and unrelenting negativity that I can feel a spiritual death in the offing. I realize too that stubborness has something to do with this and I'm trying desperately to break my own stubborness. I don't think this is karma. My life, however, luck and yes, privileged as it's been, has not be the one I'd have chosen. In fact, it hasn't been a life that I'd have chosen for anyone. That said, I don't hate it. In fact, I like alot about my life. Let's start with the dislike. I dislike not meeting someone significant. I'm tired of the casual stuff. Well okay not tired of it, just not satisfied with it. It's great for the moment it's just that I would like to make plans with someone special and that's not happening. I'd like to be financially secure (so that I wouldn't have to move). I've changed paths a few times and always taken the route that meant serving society rather than serving myself. End result, I've not done well by myself. While I do have a small retirement fund, it's not enough to last a year let alone retirement. So those are the big things that I'm not happy about. I also am professional at a crossroads and I am completely lost and paralyzed. I know I have to see beyond this moment and do something anything to keep moving. On the plus side, I have great friends. unfortunately most of them aren't nearby. My sister is great and we have a good relationship (as long as we leave politics out of it). I love her kids and they never fail to make me smile. Unfortunately I don't see them that often. My former boss has offered me jobs that would take me half way across the country and I've turned him down for a number of reasons but as much as anything else it's because I'd see my nieces and nephews even less than I do now.

So there it is. I'm trying to embrace the change that feels regressive and hope that it will somehow spur the progressive strengths I know that I have and lead to a better future. I just don't feel that way right now and am deeply sad that it has come to this.