razor13

i am sick and i had just finished writin' something when the site went funny style and i lost it, oh well, this will have to do instead cuz' i am sick, did i mention sickness...my ex-wife tried to contact me as if she was concerned about my health, that's a laugh, considering she was never that concerned before, i think she think's she might get somethin' if i kick off, oh well, the girl works on tips( that's an old skool porn industry joke) i tried to play the bass today for the first time in a long time, the fingers that i broke a while back are stiff and it is difficult, i will probably never be able to play with a band again, i was gettin' a lil' old for that stuff anyway. i am lookin' for a new apt. in l.a. and a new one in the bay area. maybe i should get a house in portland? maybe i could go up there and heal and find love and yeah right...there is a place where there is a girl that i am thinkin' about tonight, i hope she is well and maybe thinkin' of me...i should stop fallin' in love cuz i have about 200 ex's and that might indicate i am not a good relater, as in relationship, or that maybe i just pick smart ones, or they pick me, it is a mystery that i wouldn't want to figure out anyway, tally ho, forward, i only have sex about once a week on average lately and it is always with an ex and it is always followed by a lot of hugging and tears and them sayin' stuff like "i wish this was the first time we ever met" or "i love you so much, i don't think i could last through another relationship with you" or "you always have to be an asshole, your lucky you can fuck" and it always makes me feel like it is some curse that i have that makes it so nothing sticks, nothing is ever permanent, cuz it is not like i don't try, i tried so hard this last time that it is still eating me up inside, just when it seemed like we were gonna make it, she starts takin' advice from the dressin' room posse, and i know other girls out there who dance know what i am talkin' about, a bunch of chix that don't have happiness inthier relationships so they give advice out of "concern" and gthe next thing you know, my wife is living with a 19 yr. old girl she just met in vegas and filing for a divorce after being together for six years, longest realationship of my life, and we had been through a lot together, and we had made this vow not to fuck each other over, no matter what, anyway, that is all water passed the bridge now, i would like to share my life, as unpredictable and exciting as it can be, with somebody and try to work from the stand point of mutual respect and honesty, which means i have to do something to change a couple of reoccuring patterns, but i am working on that, trying to be a nice guy, doin' god's work and all that, stayin' true to myself without fuckin' people over, that's all i ever wanted out a life, and maybe there is still a chance, somewhere....