razor13

bang! and its run for your life again, cuz at the very least its harder to hit a moving target, so you try to stay ahead and that means dropping off and layin' low...glad that lonely ass holiday is over and now i can start marking time in different emotional pain markers, ahh well, boo hoo...violence is a plauge in my life, it seems to be a physical prescence that follows me around, of course the same seems to go for speculation, deprivation and paranoia...yeah, that's right, physical entities that follow me around....yes, it is crazy to think that way and it does make life a lil' more difficult and i am aware that if i could cope with these abnormalities of my psyche then i would probably not be on the edge of a nervous breakdown all the time, but as much as i am self aware of my schisms i am also unable to completely control the mental process that gives me these impulses that make these manifestations seem real, so i gave them all personas of their own and i talk to them about their affect on me, speculation is a nervous, hyper-intelligent creature that has a great amount of information on subjects but is incapable of drawing a single conclusion without leading to paranoia, or sometimes paranoia retarded lil' brother, confusion, who i don't mind so much as long as i can get rid of him quickly, and then there is the feminine deprivation, or depra, as i have so lovingly come to call her over the years of lost sleep, she will come for when you are at your weakest and need rest and she will keep you from getting any through her many devious ways, after her prescence has touched you for a certain period of time she will call on paranoia and if she can't get him she will settle for the lil' bro and keep at it until she can locate the big guy. paranoia is a worst case scenario kinda guy who never has a solution to any problem i am in, he also has the keys to all the mental breakdown rooms where different fears and experiences that have damaged my psyche and wait to be unleashed if i cannot talk him out of it. he can be reasoned with only if i am in strong state of constitution, if i have been weakend by any of the others then he pretty much can have his way with me, halting my efforts to overcome a situation and redirecting me, and sometimes he has been so well informed by speculation that the movements he causes do actually help from time to time, but he has this thing for depra and gets jealous if i spend too much time with her so if that is the case then he usually gets the better of and it can lead to some horrible situations, which brings us to violence, the one that i fight the hardest just because of the history i have with him and the effort i feel i have to make to at least limit his involvment in my life to self-defense reactions that are measure against the percieved threat and carried out with complete discipline. violence is reactionary and free of emotion, even though he is always on the other side of the anger door, he is pretty primitive and has a lot of natural instincts that enable him to take the long way around my behavioural control and wander through my sub-concious wilderness until he either gets let in by paranoia who will open all kinds of things if the fear level is high enough, or depra, who he cannot resist due to his base, primal reactionary persona, or if confusion is having one of his banner days and spec or para or both join in because of instantaneous circumstances, well it can be difficult, and as funny as that sounds, that is the best way i can describe my mental illness....