razor13

so there it is, that feeling, like the instincts are a lil' more dulled, the vision is a lil' more out of focus, the hunger burns a lil' deeper. i can see the end that draws near a lil' more clearly than the beginning that i leave in the past, or maybe it is just the hangover. that sweet high blood sugar headache that calls on every weakness in your body to feel pain. i earned it. i had a lil' flashback last night. you always are who you are and you have to stand by every action that have ever committed. you have to learn to dissolve the petty angers of the past, but you can never back down on the base principles of your convictions, you feel me. i know i am being a lil' vague but that is because it is a big joke and these words that are sent out represent something, but they can never give up a glimpse of the whole, even if you attach nude pictures with it there is always something that doesn't make it out over the wire and you can't let yourself be fooled into any type of false sense of prescence, something to fall in love with or something to be angry at, cuz' i only play those games analog, real time. so last night something almost got to me and i went and had a drink and a flashback...now i am hungover and done...it is just an electronic world where representations don't mean a thing until they face you in the concrete reality of realtime exsistence....let it go...i tell myself...and i can and i do, because i have learned to do that in life, now i have been writing here to aleveate a lot of mental pressure that i've been going through, i haven't bullshitted or held back nothing, but that don't necessarily mean i can be understood in a concrete way. i try to choose words carefully, but language has its own set of barriers when written and not spoken, so a misunderstanding can be easily brought to bear, and i have never felt any ill will towards anybody, but accidentally i did trespass a couple of times and i do appreciate those people that took the time to let me know how and why, that is the type of communication that makes community, not to get all touchy feely, cuz' i am not tryin' to do anything but make a lil' sense of a strang e situation in my head and i am at acomputer while doin' so this more thinkin' while typing which is a lot like thinking out loud which is kinda like what crazy people do....so, i'm crazy and that is the best point that i can make out of what i just said( i am also dyslexic so thats is why i make a lot of wierd typo's) but maybe someone can put a couple of things together and decipher the encryption in this message... i know that i wouldn't be able to begin doing it in a writing format without taking a long time to tell a lil' chunk of untold history that a few people still know orally and that is pretty much like writing a book, and thats not a problem for me, except fir the fact that i am in the process of writing several and have several more planned....that is my main outlet since i don't do as much drugging, boozing and whoring anymore, and there is as much of my vulnerability that i can expose right now...it is a lil' bit of a complex riddle, maybe someone really smart can figure it all out....then again...