These are the stats and analysis of my creepy co-worker as it would appear on the back of his baseball card:
Bats: Left
Throws: Left
Car of Function: 2007 Pontiac G6 - During the 2008 oil hike, he applied a bumper sticker that read, "Will Fuck for Gas." Within 4 months time the cost of a barrel of oil came down, and only after his negotiation strategies with OPEC had yielded victory, did he decide to remove said sticker from car.
Car of Leisure: 1983 Pontiac Fiero - A common quote used around the office is: "The man owns a Fiero."
Number of People Living in Apartment: 5
(1) Wife*
(2) Daughter**
(3) Son***
(4) Mother-In-Law****
(5)Boots*****
Number of Animals Living in Apartment: 7
(1) Two Dogs
(2)Three Cats
(3)Two Ferrets (one for each child)
UPDATE - Just yesterday, my assistant-editor retells me a story of said coworker watching "two gorgeous girls" (Creepy, probably in high school) smoking a joint in their car outside of his apartment. What does fucknuts do? Calls the cops. Yet another chapter of the epics battles waged in the war on drugs can now come to a close. I'm going with the city of Baltimore on this one, "snitches get got. the streets is watchin'. Yerrrrrrp."
Footnotes on humans currently living in coworkers domicile:
*Crazy. They talk on Skype about what they've discovered on their surveillance footage from the cameras stationed around their apartment. On one occasion I accidentally stumbled across hidden camera footage taken from within his Fiero. It took palce at his son's little league game. It entailed One-idiot Baseball Dad calling said coworker's wife the dreaded "C" word, before peeling out. I also suspect that they're both plotting to kill each other on their own time.
**Kind of boring. It's a Baby, but she gets a free pass for now.
***The creepiest feeling I've ever felt about anyone. (And I once shook hands with Jose Canseco one month before spousal abuse charges were filed.) Three others have confirmed this exact same occurrence within separate, yet limited experiences of meeting the replicant boy child.
****Said co-worker has openly talked about wishing he could get away with murdering her. He just doesn't feel confident enough in getting away with it. (Strangely, however, he has expressed to myself and people in our Graphics department that he knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that he could pull off a bank robbery if he planned for two months.) Other than her potential termination, the only other confirmed fact is that she is a Chicago Bears fan. I myself am a die-hard Bears fan, and find it peculiar to find this kinship in someone who lived in Jersey their whole life. Go Bears.
*****Not to be confused with one of the pets, three things are known about the man known only as Boots.
1. He's a hillbilly friend that spends all day downloading really terrible bootlegs of even more terrible stand-up comedians. e.g. Carlos Mencia.
2. He once showed up to an office Christmas party wearing really creepy combat boots that bordered more on the bondage side, than it did in a militaristic sense.
a. One source claimed him to be vaguely racist, but that source is unreliable and I will only indict the character of a man on first-hand information only.
3. They've been trying to get rid of him for going on three and a half years.
Bats: Left
Throws: Left
Car of Function: 2007 Pontiac G6 - During the 2008 oil hike, he applied a bumper sticker that read, "Will Fuck for Gas." Within 4 months time the cost of a barrel of oil came down, and only after his negotiation strategies with OPEC had yielded victory, did he decide to remove said sticker from car.
Car of Leisure: 1983 Pontiac Fiero - A common quote used around the office is: "The man owns a Fiero."
Number of People Living in Apartment: 5
(1) Wife*
(2) Daughter**
(3) Son***
(4) Mother-In-Law****
(5)Boots*****
Number of Animals Living in Apartment: 7
(1) Two Dogs
(2)Three Cats
(3)Two Ferrets (one for each child)
UPDATE - Just yesterday, my assistant-editor retells me a story of said coworker watching "two gorgeous girls" (Creepy, probably in high school) smoking a joint in their car outside of his apartment. What does fucknuts do? Calls the cops. Yet another chapter of the epics battles waged in the war on drugs can now come to a close. I'm going with the city of Baltimore on this one, "snitches get got. the streets is watchin'. Yerrrrrrp."
Footnotes on humans currently living in coworkers domicile:
*Crazy. They talk on Skype about what they've discovered on their surveillance footage from the cameras stationed around their apartment. On one occasion I accidentally stumbled across hidden camera footage taken from within his Fiero. It took palce at his son's little league game. It entailed One-idiot Baseball Dad calling said coworker's wife the dreaded "C" word, before peeling out. I also suspect that they're both plotting to kill each other on their own time.
**Kind of boring. It's a Baby, but she gets a free pass for now.
***The creepiest feeling I've ever felt about anyone. (And I once shook hands with Jose Canseco one month before spousal abuse charges were filed.) Three others have confirmed this exact same occurrence within separate, yet limited experiences of meeting the replicant boy child.
****Said co-worker has openly talked about wishing he could get away with murdering her. He just doesn't feel confident enough in getting away with it. (Strangely, however, he has expressed to myself and people in our Graphics department that he knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that he could pull off a bank robbery if he planned for two months.) Other than her potential termination, the only other confirmed fact is that she is a Chicago Bears fan. I myself am a die-hard Bears fan, and find it peculiar to find this kinship in someone who lived in Jersey their whole life. Go Bears.
*****Not to be confused with one of the pets, three things are known about the man known only as Boots.
1. He's a hillbilly friend that spends all day downloading really terrible bootlegs of even more terrible stand-up comedians. e.g. Carlos Mencia.
2. He once showed up to an office Christmas party wearing really creepy combat boots that bordered more on the bondage side, than it did in a militaristic sense.
a. One source claimed him to be vaguely racist, but that source is unreliable and I will only indict the character of a man on first-hand information only.
3. They've been trying to get rid of him for going on three and a half years.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
scarlaa:
LMFAO! That was awesome! Your blog is hilarious too! I think I might know that guy...
raygunjones:
Thank you. That's very sweet of you to say. But if you see this guy turn the other way and run. 