So, I just the other day realized Another Girl in the old line up of my favorites has gone to the archive. It's not really all that significant, I guess, but I was like "oh. hm." little things, they make you feel odd.
Speaking of feeling odd, something's really been off in my brain lately. It's almost like a fight club thing. Wake up, my eyes are puffy, feel like I got no sleep, come home, stay in, try to get to sleep, can't do it no matter how exhausted I am, try and force it, wake up exhausted anyway.
I guess if I knew I was secretly making plans to blow the living fuck out of capitalist society or at least kicking the shit out of a few working-class dudes in a bar somewhere, I'd feel a little better. As it stands now, however, it appears that all I am accomplishing is getting in enough sleep to make it into work and cripple my eyes and hands by typing and staring at two screens all day, then come home and convince myself to do it all over again.
I guess there's quite a high possibility that it had something to do with Sunday being Father's Day, and me starting to get that guilty feeling you occasionally get after a loss that you might be starting to feel normal again, and doubting where your emotional thermometer is and should be.
And then again, there's the ever present job thing.
I'm really glad I'm working again, but it's just the three weeks and suddenly the prospect of worrying about what happens after the last week is coming down on me like crazy. I really where I've been working, but the job really is making me crazy, and it's not even like whether or not I work there is up to me, or how long I stay there or when and if I come back.
I know it's not the nature of the beast, I suppose, but I really just want to work for a guaranteed length of time in one job knowing what I will be doing and getting the opportunity to really learn and stretch my wings instead of constantly worrying about "what next, what next, how do I stay, how do I get in to the next thing, who do I talk to, what's my game plan?"
It really doesn't help that whenever I try to go above and beyond my monkey skilled position, I seem to get appreciation from one side and annoyance from another. I'm not trying to step on anyone's toes or take anyone's job, it's just that my brain is starved for more constructive work, and when I know things are being done sloppilly and inneficiently, it's more satisfying for me to find a way to fix it than to just sit there and do it wrong, knowing what I could have done to help. I guess I get too personally involved in my work, but I like to put myself into what I do wholeheartedly.
That's just me, and I guess it means I shouldn't take low level jobs that actors and kids in bands take so that they can just make some cash and blow off the project and company in general.
It's interesting, my work ethic and attitude about this kind of stuff always seems to impress people, but then it seems like the people who are impressed by it then ignore it until it wears down and I'm willing to sit there and shut up and do my work, safely ignored by the people who've already extablished themselves as the creatives.
-Ok, brain working too hard, and hands are not recieving any filtering or flood-control from the babble-source. I'm starting to take this road trip thing to heart. I think when this last week of work is up, a multi-day trip somewhere with a good friend or two is in order. Don't know where or what, but I'm thinking "Away" is a fan-fucking-tastic destination right now.
Dave
Speaking of feeling odd, something's really been off in my brain lately. It's almost like a fight club thing. Wake up, my eyes are puffy, feel like I got no sleep, come home, stay in, try to get to sleep, can't do it no matter how exhausted I am, try and force it, wake up exhausted anyway.
I guess if I knew I was secretly making plans to blow the living fuck out of capitalist society or at least kicking the shit out of a few working-class dudes in a bar somewhere, I'd feel a little better. As it stands now, however, it appears that all I am accomplishing is getting in enough sleep to make it into work and cripple my eyes and hands by typing and staring at two screens all day, then come home and convince myself to do it all over again.
I guess there's quite a high possibility that it had something to do with Sunday being Father's Day, and me starting to get that guilty feeling you occasionally get after a loss that you might be starting to feel normal again, and doubting where your emotional thermometer is and should be.
And then again, there's the ever present job thing.
I'm really glad I'm working again, but it's just the three weeks and suddenly the prospect of worrying about what happens after the last week is coming down on me like crazy. I really where I've been working, but the job really is making me crazy, and it's not even like whether or not I work there is up to me, or how long I stay there or when and if I come back.
I know it's not the nature of the beast, I suppose, but I really just want to work for a guaranteed length of time in one job knowing what I will be doing and getting the opportunity to really learn and stretch my wings instead of constantly worrying about "what next, what next, how do I stay, how do I get in to the next thing, who do I talk to, what's my game plan?"
It really doesn't help that whenever I try to go above and beyond my monkey skilled position, I seem to get appreciation from one side and annoyance from another. I'm not trying to step on anyone's toes or take anyone's job, it's just that my brain is starved for more constructive work, and when I know things are being done sloppilly and inneficiently, it's more satisfying for me to find a way to fix it than to just sit there and do it wrong, knowing what I could have done to help. I guess I get too personally involved in my work, but I like to put myself into what I do wholeheartedly.
That's just me, and I guess it means I shouldn't take low level jobs that actors and kids in bands take so that they can just make some cash and blow off the project and company in general.
It's interesting, my work ethic and attitude about this kind of stuff always seems to impress people, but then it seems like the people who are impressed by it then ignore it until it wears down and I'm willing to sit there and shut up and do my work, safely ignored by the people who've already extablished themselves as the creatives.
-Ok, brain working too hard, and hands are not recieving any filtering or flood-control from the babble-source. I'm starting to take this road trip thing to heart. I think when this last week of work is up, a multi-day trip somewhere with a good friend or two is in order. Don't know where or what, but I'm thinking "Away" is a fan-fucking-tastic destination right now.
Dave
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rockon