rawr_ima_monster

A Series of Letters:

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Dear Oil Change:

Please come to my car and install yourself and be all kinds of free.

Also, please be the raeson that things seem a little wonky with the car right now, and ease one of the shitty monetary and material troubles that have been lingering in my mind now, too many of which are from much earlier than the car ever became a concern.

My car will really appreciate you letting yourself violate and penetrate it's most secret dry and mechanical areas like some kind of liquid Prostitute, lubricating and stimulating areas of her engine she had forgotten how wonderful it was to feel operate correctly.

-If you can not do this, and my car still seems unsatisfied, you may Fuck off and Die.

Love,
Dave
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Dear Jiffy Lube,

Thank you for giving my car some kind of an oil change. I feel like she is operating a little better, and most importantly that light that tells me I need an oil change isn't coming on anymore. That's a good sign.

The entire experience was quick, painless and altogether, fairly affordable. I had time to get a slice of Pizza and a diet coke and when I came back, the car was almost ready.

The Pizza was pretty good, but that has nothign to do with you, or your company in any way. don't get fucking greedy.

However, the noise that concerns me still seems to be concerning me. I blame you, you dirty bastards.

-Fuck Off and Die.

Love,
Dave
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Dear Wireless Phone Bill website guys,

your website is not functioning properly...for 2 days. What the fuck? You are a gigantic global insan-o technology company, and they guys you got to build your website can't seem to do so in a fashion that A) lets me get online and do things we both need me to do or B) Gets itself fixed in a timely manner to do said things.

Maybe if you spent less money on the web sites that sell me shit and the huge ass print and television ads, you could pay the guys that make the website (the one which actually does things like let me pay you for these things) enough money to fix the website...so I can, like, pay you.

Also, your customer service phone line sucks ass because it wants me to tell you things out loud in english sentences and not by punching in numbers, which would be fine if it UNDSERSTOOD the english language instead of just telling me it can't understand what I'm saying and asking me to say it again. Also, it continues to tell me I can do things on your website, except that I CAN'T because it's experiencing ERRORS.

-Fuck off and Die. alot.

Love,
Dave
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Dear United States Postal Service.

Where can I start...EVERYone hates you. you suck.

I payed like 20.00 to send some inportant documents express mail. I specifically asked your representative if the express mail was guaranteed (yes I italicized verbally) to get to my destiantion overnight. I was told after a time of calculation that YES, indeed it was guaranteed (no italics) to get there by tomorrow (today) at 3:00pm (either my time or their time, I still don't know).

At 3:00 my time (6:00 their time) there was stil no delivery. I called your phone number and they said it left CA at 5:somethingPM last night, but that's all the information they had. that sucks. WHERE'S THE FUCKING PACKAGE? You suck. If it's guaranteed, then what hte hell does it mean when you can't deliver on it. I request a thousand dollars and a blowjob or two. fuck you, you SUCK.

-Fuck off and Die. really.

Love,
Dave
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