Crap crap crap crap fuck fuck fuck, I think I might have totally fucked that up so badly. Goddamn it, Fuck me, crap crap crap crap ass-balls-shit.
I had the possible plausible circumstancial maybe-who-knows no-way-to-predict chance to try and lay myself the foundation to make a possible major career move tonight, and I just don't know if there's anything more I could have done without damning myself to make the circumstances more favorable to me.
For what it's worth, I don't expect any of you to know what I'm talking about, and don't suspect anyone can talk me off of the ledge I've mentally put myself on. Honestly, I could probably never live up to whatever imaginary scenario I might have pictured in my head for how I should have most optimately handled my particular social/professional situation tonight, so the best thing to do is probably just let me chase my tail and beat myself up for a little while.
-Such is life, I know myslef well enough to realize I'd probably never be happy with the scenario unless it had ended in delusionally impossible and favorable conditions. At least I'm not as insane as I feel, that's worth something.
Dave
*Emo Update:*
I appreciate all the uplifting and encouraging remarks. In hindsight and more sobreity, this was reallly a lot more melodramatic then I think I wanted to be, and I didn't completely waste the opportunity I had been afforded. It's really quite possible that the social atmosphere of the night was really just not condusive to me getting too aggressive about my own interests, and it could have made things bad if someone didn't want to hear it from me. Like I said, there are a million ways it could have played out, and if I was some job-hunting for dummies textbook-studying obsessive guy, I could have perfectly optimized the way in which I brought it up, but I'm not, and I was trying to be social and let everyone else be social, so I might not have been able to do much more than I did anyhow. I still have total open lines of communication to all the directly relevant people, and none of them should be too bumped by hearing from me soon.
Again, I really think that there's nothing I could have done that would have matched the un-pinpoint-able perfect scenario I fantasized about, and I was mostly just upset about the way I set myself up for emotional pitfalls with this stuff by thinking too damn hard.
Thanks for offering your support and guidance, there will be other, more serious moments that I'll need it so I won't waste too much of it on this silly half-tipsy frustrated rant.
I had the possible plausible circumstancial maybe-who-knows no-way-to-predict chance to try and lay myself the foundation to make a possible major career move tonight, and I just don't know if there's anything more I could have done without damning myself to make the circumstances more favorable to me.
For what it's worth, I don't expect any of you to know what I'm talking about, and don't suspect anyone can talk me off of the ledge I've mentally put myself on. Honestly, I could probably never live up to whatever imaginary scenario I might have pictured in my head for how I should have most optimately handled my particular social/professional situation tonight, so the best thing to do is probably just let me chase my tail and beat myself up for a little while.
-Such is life, I know myslef well enough to realize I'd probably never be happy with the scenario unless it had ended in delusionally impossible and favorable conditions. At least I'm not as insane as I feel, that's worth something.
Dave
*Emo Update:*
I appreciate all the uplifting and encouraging remarks. In hindsight and more sobreity, this was reallly a lot more melodramatic then I think I wanted to be, and I didn't completely waste the opportunity I had been afforded. It's really quite possible that the social atmosphere of the night was really just not condusive to me getting too aggressive about my own interests, and it could have made things bad if someone didn't want to hear it from me. Like I said, there are a million ways it could have played out, and if I was some job-hunting for dummies textbook-studying obsessive guy, I could have perfectly optimized the way in which I brought it up, but I'm not, and I was trying to be social and let everyone else be social, so I might not have been able to do much more than I did anyhow. I still have total open lines of communication to all the directly relevant people, and none of them should be too bumped by hearing from me soon.
Again, I really think that there's nothing I could have done that would have matched the un-pinpoint-able perfect scenario I fantasized about, and I was mostly just upset about the way I set myself up for emotional pitfalls with this stuff by thinking too damn hard.
Thanks for offering your support and guidance, there will be other, more serious moments that I'll need it so I won't waste too much of it on this silly half-tipsy frustrated rant.
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
niccie:
Sir, you are a gentleman, thanks for saving me from having to sleep under a tree..
niccie:
the cab did turn up, they left a message on my phone... whoops!!!!! and no theres no vomit I was just trying to make him feel worse than he already did.. 