rawkz

24 Things You Really Shouldnt Say At A Funeral


1. I still remember our last conversation. He said "I'll see you tommorow." Makes you think. Oh, and he told me that if anything happened to him I could have his Porsche. So, when you have a second, I'll just grab the keys. No rush.

2. Oh great! Am I the only one who brought balloons??

3. What kind of world is this? Where a no-good burglar could sneak into Dwights house, creep up behind him and bludgeon him to death with my wrench... I mean, an unknown weapon that was never recovered and is definatly not in my garage. So sad.

4. He looks so peaceful, which is weird given how much he cheated on his wife.

5. You know what they say: Live fast, Die young and leave a beautiful corpse. Unless your ugly, like this guy. And I guess guidance counsellors dont really live fast. He did die young though. One out of three's not bad.

6. Dude. Funniest. Funeral. Ever.

7. Farted? Me? No way. I think it was the widow. Mourning makes you gassy.

8. So what are you doing with all the leftover salmon rolls? Because I could totally take them home if that would help you through this terrible time.

9. You know what they say... Karen died like she lived: falling down the stairs. I guess I don't really understand that expression.

10. Take a whiff. It still has that new coffin smell.

11. Do you think his chronic masterbation had anything to do with it?

12. Your supposed to put pennies on his eyes? I could have sworn it was marshmallows. My bad.

13. So where are all the single chicks? I mean, theres Susie, but Id feel weird hitting on her before Jack is even in the ground. I guess I'll circle back in an hour.

14. One word: Taxidermy. Just think about it. Heres my card.

15. No, son, death isn't the end. Its just the part where your body rots and your eyes fall out and worms eat you and you can never hear or see or say anything ever again. And the rest of the story is pretty boring after that.

16. Man, nobody could slam back those triple-patty bacon cheddar burgers quite like ol' Donnie. Oh, how we'd egg him on. Just one more Donnie! One more! God, Ill miss him.

17. Pete, I know it feels like this is all your fault, and I guess in a way it is. I mean, take a driving lesson already. What? Are you every going to stop crying?

18. They say he slept with over 200 women. But how many of them would want to sleep with him now?

19. How about after this we go for some therapeutic whoring? Anyone?

20. I think we can all agree that Anil has always been the kindest, most considerate and loving man any of us has ever known. But enough about Anil. Lets talk about the dead guy Rob. What a prick.

21. What do you mean, you cant believe shes gone? Shes right there. Dead.

22. You know, I bet its not to late to cut off the head.

23. Anna, we're very sorry for your loss. You and Frank were great together. I have to admit that when you two first met I made a bet you guys wouldnt last 2 years. Hey, when did you start dating? Tom, you owe me 20 bucks! Oh, you bet death counts!!

24. Well grandma, I guess your next!