Hey SG, first real "long" blog i guess, and it's because for a little while i've been in a sort of bad feeling, and this feeling is : the fear of the future.
I'm currently in college, i'm doing my second year /3, but this is after a year of med school that i failed, and the first year of my actual licence that i failed too so i had to repeat that year.
It has been really terrible since then. I've felt into depression after med school but i got back on my feet and i was really doing great. But my character is so special that i don't feel like i fit in anything ; you see, i'm a really pationnate person, when i want to do something, i never do it half ! I do it with all my heart, all my brain, and all my mind is set on this thing until it's done the way i want it to be! It means i can be super motivated to do something and i can do it better than anyone.
Although it also (and mostly) means that everything that i don't like, that don't get me excited, just doesn't interest me at all and it's almost impossible for me to get to work and get things done.. Which is why i struggle so much in my licence, because what we study really doesn't interest me.
Through this i went from wanting to work in neurosurgery, to neuroscience but i wasn't like all my friends "this is what i want to do since i'm 5 !" or "this is my dream job" no.. It was just interesting (and still is) because i'm interested in a lot of things, since i love to stimulate myself and cultivate.
To name a few things i'm interested in, there's music, biology, astrophysics, cinema, sport, video games, cooking, languages, medecine... And if i want to know something about any of this subect i look for it and i memorize it just like that, but for my midterm i have to learn the different forms of the gametophyte between the bryophyte, the filicophyte and the pinophyte I DON'T FUCKING CARE !
In the meantime, i've also really progress in english, which i love to improved, and everything i do now (games, movies, series, even books..) i watch/read in english. And i'm actually really into languages, and i've thought about doing something in this domain, but there's no job.. Too bad because i'm Spanish from my dad (who speaks and write fluently) and algerian from my mom (who speaks really well) which gives me "an excuse" to learn those language i don't know yet as well as english + i've had Chinese lessons this semester and loved it (even if it's hard as fuck!) and i want to learn sign language. I also dream about travelling around the world, which pushes me into languages even more, and that's why a degree in languages would be interesting for me.
And then from out of nowhere i suddenly reallised i don't want to spend my life trapped in a lab. What also changed me is, no joke, a game, yes : Firewatch. I watch one of my favorite youtuber play that beautiful game, taking place in nature itself, and i just felt in love with the idea of working outside, with nature, and animals (that i freaking love) and since every human being wants to protect what he loves, i had the idea to pursue this little wish and work in environmental protection and preservation.
So i started to look for a specialty or anything that would lead me to this plan, and since i'm already in a Biology licence, i'm supposed to be in the right path.
But after months of research, i haven't find what i should do ; everyting is or getting back to the start (at least 3 years of college again, no thanks!), or requires a diploma that i don't have and really don't want since i'd need another degree or a master degree which i also don't want since i really want to just quit and work so that i can achieve what i want.
I'm 21 and a half, and even though i'm young, i'm so focused on the future that i feel lost. I've started to look for anything that can get me out of college which interests me and makes me earn some money but i've found litteraly nothing !
I don't know what to do with my life and it freaks me out.
I don't think many of you will care to read my story and answer your feelings about this and yourself, but some advise would be cool !
