ranusstudios

So this is weird. I got back from Boston today at around five and checked my mail and the like. I started feeling kind of emotionally funny, and by the time I shuffled to my room to take a nap a few minutes later, I was feeling genuinely depressed... or something.

But now I'm awake from my nap, which one out of ten times means that I'm channelling Captain Jack Sparrow for a good ten minutes to an hour. Right now is one of those times, so I'm in just the right mindset to figure out what I am feeling! Was feeling? Hm.

It's weird saying this, because I am usually the very last person to even mention things like this about myself, because I suspect it just sounds whiny, but this time it's much more overwhelming than it's been in a looooong time. HERE WE GO.


I am lonely as hell.


It's been a year and eight months to the day (don't ask why I remember the day, I don't know) since I've either masturbated or, more importantly, "been with" someone. Not necessarily sex- just even holding hands. Or hugging with that little extra something behind it. Or even a kiss on the cheek (kissing is generally my favorite part of these things.) The point is, I miss having someone there, whether on a physical level or that much sought-after emotional level that I still dream about sometimes.

It's oddly distressing this time. So many times over the past year and eight months I've helped people get together, and been just fine; I helped my best friend get together with my roommate last year and barely blinked. Many, many times I've been left as the "single friend" amongst my large group of friends, most of which were girls, and it never affected me. So why now?

I DON'T KNOW.

I recently realized that I am or have been somewhat self-sabotaging. It doesn't happen often, because I rarely manage to get that close to someone, but when it does, it's ugly. I can usually pinpoint the exact moment, in retrospect, where it went wrong, because I remember a part of me over which I have no control going "AHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU!" It's all downhill from there and I start doing stupid, upsetting things. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm so convinced that I'll screw up eventually that something in the back of my mind tells me to just get it over with? What a jerk.

I was pretty relaxed for the past month leading to today; the worst mood I've been in was a little cranky because my jackass brother ate both buckets of ice cream in two days, so I'm not sure where this came from. Maybe it's because since I'm not in school, I don't have any friends right now. No one. I don't think that's it, though; this is the kind of loneliness that comes from being single. Like I said, I'm normally quite content being single and, well, unintentionally celibate, but I think that today, the past year and eight months of not even getting that fuzzy feeling from touching hands, while everyone around me flirts and finds someone, finally decided to get to me.

Am I jealous? I don't think so. Well, maybe. Not jealous that someone got someone else; that would be silly. I think it's more of a "when's it gonna be my turn?" kind of thing. I'm not asking to find someone I'm going to spend the rest of my life with; not even close. I guess I just want to feel my heart skip again, like everyone else's seems to have been doing, and like mine hasn't done for coming on two years.


...yep. Lonely is definitely what I am.