Were I an idiot, or a stoner, the number of today's strip would be hilarious. But since I am not an interesting person, I will instead carry on about a game I've been playing lately. It is called Burnout Paradise.
It is not a bad game. In fact, it's quite enjoyable indeed, and after beating Call of Duty 4 (a lovely game itself) in one night, I was quite happy to return to it. Unfortunately, I also remembered why Paradise City is also called The Big Aneurysm. It feeds on my disappointment, you see.
I'm up to my full "Burnout License" (the one above an A class, apparently; my picture is of a chibi Kasumi from Dead or Alive; it's very cute), and as such, the events do get more difficult. I like a challenge. What I don't like is when that challenge is presented by the game engine being a complete jerk.
You see, the AI is quite fine; they race and bite at each other's throats, and occasionally mine. Good! Great. I like a single-player game where there's not only bots (why Perfect Dark on the N64 will always be better than Halo), but intelligent ones (an example other than Perfect Dark fails me.) That's not the issue. The issue is when I'm in the middle of avery close race, or Burning Route, or what have you, and the physics engine decides to give up and kill me. For example!
I am going not all that fast, and I collide with an object. Another car, for example. When I'm driving around the city outside of an event, this collision will result in me coming to a grinding halt, BUT I will not go into a crash sequence, no matter the angle at which I strike said object. However, when the same thing happens in the midst of a timed/competitive event, not only do I crash, but I go into an overlong crash.
Now, I love me the crashes in Burnout. It's why I got Burnout Paradise; I played the demo, and immediately decided that I would finally own a full Burnout game. But I gotta tell ya: I'm pretty sure these crashes last longer when they need to be brief.
Yes, Criterion! I acknowledge that I went sailing through the air as a crumpled heap of iron and sadness! But I do not feel it necessary to stare at my unmoving carcass for the remainder of the goddamn race.
These bent-physics-engine eternity crashes, as it were, also only have a tendency to occur within the distance that I can see the finish line. Why, once I actually flew through the finish line during the crash, and I ended up losing, of which I was so graciously informed by one DJ Atomika.
Oh, DJ Atomika. You, sir, will be getting your own rant.
Anyway. I also have a few issues with the way some of the cars handle. Now, as we all know is entirely, one hundred percent true and not a complete and total fabrication that I came up with exclusively for the purpose of this rant, I am a professional street racer. And, speaking from my thirty-two years of experience, which is also true, and not thirteen years over my actual age, I know that no car handles like this. CARS ACCELERATE. They do this quite consistently, and do not spin out with explosive force when even the slightest amount of pressure is applied to the gas. They also have a tendency to turn. Unfortunately this nuance is occasionally lost. My 1996 baby-blue pickup truck that's half the size of most trucks and SUVs handles better than this nonsense. And that's not an exaggeration.
Not that any other part of that paragraph is.
I think the worst part of the whole experience, though (aforementioned subject of my next rant aside) is this "Showtime" junk. Now, aside from the Burnout Revenge demo for the 360, which appears to be a single Road Rage lever, I've never played any Burnout games, but I can safely say that Crash mode was infinitely better than this. Showtime mode doesn't make sense in any way (especially not in the realm of physics), it goes on far too long, and is way too dependent on luck. The whole thing is random chaos. And not even the good chaos, like when I spill someone's food all over them. At least that's funny, in a tragic punched-in-the-face way. This is a waste of time, and it's impossible to cancel it in a timely fashion once you've accidentally pressed the shoulder buttons. Even if you don't press anything once it's started, there's almost a full minute from when you hit the ground to when you can control the car's wheels again. I want to waste my time playing the game, not learning about the $250 worth of paint I need to fix the damn car.
I'm also tempted to complain about how online-heavy it is, but that's more of a reflection on the state of games today.
But next time: ohhhhh, DJ Atomika.
Direct link
Episode 420: Unsanitary
It is not a bad game. In fact, it's quite enjoyable indeed, and after beating Call of Duty 4 (a lovely game itself) in one night, I was quite happy to return to it. Unfortunately, I also remembered why Paradise City is also called The Big Aneurysm. It feeds on my disappointment, you see.
I'm up to my full "Burnout License" (the one above an A class, apparently; my picture is of a chibi Kasumi from Dead or Alive; it's very cute), and as such, the events do get more difficult. I like a challenge. What I don't like is when that challenge is presented by the game engine being a complete jerk.
You see, the AI is quite fine; they race and bite at each other's throats, and occasionally mine. Good! Great. I like a single-player game where there's not only bots (why Perfect Dark on the N64 will always be better than Halo), but intelligent ones (an example other than Perfect Dark fails me.) That's not the issue. The issue is when I'm in the middle of avery close race, or Burning Route, or what have you, and the physics engine decides to give up and kill me. For example!
I am going not all that fast, and I collide with an object. Another car, for example. When I'm driving around the city outside of an event, this collision will result in me coming to a grinding halt, BUT I will not go into a crash sequence, no matter the angle at which I strike said object. However, when the same thing happens in the midst of a timed/competitive event, not only do I crash, but I go into an overlong crash.
Now, I love me the crashes in Burnout. It's why I got Burnout Paradise; I played the demo, and immediately decided that I would finally own a full Burnout game. But I gotta tell ya: I'm pretty sure these crashes last longer when they need to be brief.
Yes, Criterion! I acknowledge that I went sailing through the air as a crumpled heap of iron and sadness! But I do not feel it necessary to stare at my unmoving carcass for the remainder of the goddamn race.
These bent-physics-engine eternity crashes, as it were, also only have a tendency to occur within the distance that I can see the finish line. Why, once I actually flew through the finish line during the crash, and I ended up losing, of which I was so graciously informed by one DJ Atomika.
Oh, DJ Atomika. You, sir, will be getting your own rant.
Anyway. I also have a few issues with the way some of the cars handle. Now, as we all know is entirely, one hundred percent true and not a complete and total fabrication that I came up with exclusively for the purpose of this rant, I am a professional street racer. And, speaking from my thirty-two years of experience, which is also true, and not thirteen years over my actual age, I know that no car handles like this. CARS ACCELERATE. They do this quite consistently, and do not spin out with explosive force when even the slightest amount of pressure is applied to the gas. They also have a tendency to turn. Unfortunately this nuance is occasionally lost. My 1996 baby-blue pickup truck that's half the size of most trucks and SUVs handles better than this nonsense. And that's not an exaggeration.
Not that any other part of that paragraph is.
I think the worst part of the whole experience, though (aforementioned subject of my next rant aside) is this "Showtime" junk. Now, aside from the Burnout Revenge demo for the 360, which appears to be a single Road Rage lever, I've never played any Burnout games, but I can safely say that Crash mode was infinitely better than this. Showtime mode doesn't make sense in any way (especially not in the realm of physics), it goes on far too long, and is way too dependent on luck. The whole thing is random chaos. And not even the good chaos, like when I spill someone's food all over them. At least that's funny, in a tragic punched-in-the-face way. This is a waste of time, and it's impossible to cancel it in a timely fashion once you've accidentally pressed the shoulder buttons. Even if you don't press anything once it's started, there's almost a full minute from when you hit the ground to when you can control the car's wheels again. I want to waste my time playing the game, not learning about the $250 worth of paint I need to fix the damn car.
I'm also tempted to complain about how online-heavy it is, but that's more of a reflection on the state of games today.
But next time: ohhhhh, DJ Atomika.
Direct link
Episode 420: Unsanitary