randomrockstar

Why must you turn my office into a house of lies!?




Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck.


A pyramid fuck. So yeah. That word really loses all meaning when its repeated over and over and over. Ive been thinking about Ryan a lot lately. Its really bumming me out. I havent really thought about him for a long time and all of a sudden BAM!! Hes everywhere I look, and everything I do and see reminds me of him.
Im not just lonely. But thats not it; I swear that its not. It cant be that fucking trivial. Im not fucking lonely. Its not just someone that I miss. Its him. It really is HIM.
Just shit that I see and shit that I do and songs that I hear all remind me of him and I dont know why. Ill see two people walking down the beach or the street, and Ill think of him and me, the way that we used to be. Ill hear ANY Blink 182, Green Day or The Used and I get all nostalgic and then I getI was going to say sad, but I cant classify it as sadits just like sad, but something that doesnt quite make me cry, just tugs a little at the loving thread of my heart.
Ive hidden all of the pictures of us where he looks sexy and I look happy because I couldnt stand the sight of his eyes staring a hole through my skull. He has those eyes. So striking and blue, so easy to lose yourself in, so easy to lose your cool and so easy to fall in love with. Loveor something just like it.
The last time I saw him was last August. I was flying back to California that evening and he had to go to work that morning. Wed spent all that night crying and holding each other. There were tears in both of our eyes when wed said goodbye. There was still so much that I wanted to tell him, and so much that I wanted to experience with him, and I was completely and utterly devastated. On the flight back to California was the first time that I prayed for death. On take-off, I longed for a crash, and every minute in the air, I hoped for a mid-air collision. I didnt want to live without him and didnt think that I could. He was my EVERYTHING.
We spoke on the phone everyday for the first few weeks, often very emotionally. Then it was every few days, and then eventually once a week. He moved with his father and best friend down to Florida I got a new job and things started to feel normal again, but I still missed him incessantly. Not until I moved to southern California did I start to really feel better. Wed been talking often and talking about visiting each other, either him coming out west or me going down to Florida to see him. One day I asked, purely as a joke; You dont have a girl thats gonna get all jealous? And much to my surprise, hes said yes. I was shocked, because it was January, and Id not heard a thing about it. Id always figured that he would, he was a great looking kid, and since I was gone, I didnt expect him to sit around and sulk. But then he told me that theyd been together since September, and hed not said one word to me about it. I passed it off and just assumed that he felt uncomfortable talking about it with me. I also assumed that because it was so quick after wed parted ways that it was just a re-bound type thing.
We continued to talk on the phone and when I got my tail tattoo, I called him to tell him about it, because Id been planning it for a while and I was excited about it. He didnt answer his phone so I left him a voice mail. He called me back, and I didnt answer my phone for whatever reason. Later I saw that hed called, and so I tried to call him back. He didnt answer again, so I hung up and decided that Id call him later. I did, still no answer, so I left a message saying that it was nothing important and that Id try him some other time.
I got a call the next morning before I went to work. It was Ryan. We talked for a few minutes and then he said; Hey. That was it. Just Hey. I waited for him to go on, but he didnt. I asked him what? He said, When I dont answer my phone its normally because Im at my girlfriends house. I had no idea where he was going with this, so I just said okay. He paused for a second before he said shes getting jealous about you calling all the time, and us talking a lot. I wanted to laugh, but I was too shocked! I asked him if she realized that I was on the other FUCKING side of the country. He said he knew, but he didnt want to make her feel like that and he told me to take it easy with calling him and stuff. I was still in bed and my mind was spinning. Take it easy? Take what easy? He told me that he didnt want me to call him all the time anymore. I told him that I call him MAYBE once a week and that we talk for maybe 15 minutes. He said that she just got mad because of the day before when I called him like 3 times. That was when I lost it. I totally lost it. I told him that shes being stupid because Im in California and they are in Florida. We used to date, but also we were like best friends for almost a year! Who the fuck was she to tell him who he could and couldnt talk to!?!
As soon as the words were out of my mouth I realized that Id made a huge mistake.
It was HIM that couldnt talk to me, and that it was HIM that couldnt take it. But I didnt take it well. I didnt understand, I couldnt
The last thing that I said to him was:
I cant believe that you are saying this to me! I cant believe that you are choosing some re-bound BITCH over a friendship! You are a FUCKING loser! Watch out for those hurricanes down in Florida, I hear they kill people. Dont ever call me again.
The last words came out in a sob that I could barely push past my lips. I took a hot shower and went to work.
I havent heard from him since except for a text message I got about a month ago that said Are you still alive? And when I sent a reply in the affirmative, I got his unique-to-him-and-I line Please dont die.
Because of Ryan, I hate Florida and the above mentioned bands just by association of heart break. He is the reason that I am afraid to be in another relationship. I would take being crucified or burned alive over the emotional pain of heart break.

Has anyone else ever had their world and belief system shattered so completely that youre afraid to build it back up again? That youd rather just build a wall around yourself and be lonely for fear of being hurt again?

Once you fall in love, can you fall out of love, or was it a joke the whole time?


I just can't write anymore.