rainrix

Bah sometimes I really hate sleep. Doesn't help that a combination of my meds and general depression have left me with very little energy quite often. Usually my dreams take one of four forms:

A: Family dreams. I'm not close to my family... I had a very strict upbringing (Lots of shouting, grounding, all my toys (I didn't have many) etc confiscated, physical punishment) and I guess it has left some deep damage there. They're not bad people, but I guess my parents really just really weren't good at or ready to be parents. I was the oldest child out of four (Me, my younger brother, and my even younger twin sisters) so I was always held responsible not only for my own actions but sometimes the actions of my siblings also. I got punished twice as hard for anything I messed up because I was supposed to set a good example for my younger siblings. My brother was quite a troublemaker and caused A LOT of trouble... And since I shared a bedroom with him as well it caused me a lot of grief. I have bad dreams usually involving my brother and father. Lots of shouting and threats aimed at me, and me feeling a whole lot of fear. Usually end up feeling like a failure or something along those lines. Home for me during my childhood hardly felt like a safe place...

B: School dreams. My school days were awful... I went to one of the worst secondary schools in Plymouth. I got bullied every day verbal abuse every day, physically attacked maybe every other day..? I was a regular in the schools sickroom from being hurt during fights. The teachers usually turned a blind eye or made excuses for the bullies, "It's not his fault he's lashing out, he's having a bad time at home.". It was easier for the teachers to be friendly towards the bullies so they caused less disruption I guess. Barely safe at home, constantly under threat at school (and actually at threat if I bumped in to the bullies outside of school also, which happened a few times. Being beaten by a gang in the middle of a large woodland area wasn't fun...), no wonder I have major anxiety issues now (and the doctor says I have PTSD also... Mild at least but I have it bad times sometimes). Obviously school dreams involve being bullied, but also me failing at whatever subject I'm studying (which seems to be mostly science in my dreams... Science was my favourite class in school).

C: Failed love dreams. For many years I had a major thing for one girl I knew. She was very pretty, quite quirky odd and cute, curious about things, really in to rock and metal. She showed an interest in me to many years ago when I first met her. We hung out a fair bit... A few make-out sessions. I guess this went on for roughly a month. Then one day I decided to tell her I loved her... I was stupid and young back then. Still a virgin as well and wanted to be in a relationship with her before I slept with her (which I could of easily done before looking back with hindsight). She kind of freaked out for some reason and that was the downfall of me and her. It fell apart rather quickly after that. I spent many many many years trying to build my standings back up with her... It was very hard. We worked at the same place and I knew many people there were constantly giving her "advice" or making me look bad (Surprise surprise half these people wanted her for themselves, the other half were just miserable bastards and the only thing getting them through the days at work was making other people miserable too). She messed with me too a lot. Keeping me on a short leash and never letting me get too close. Her usual taste in guys were ones who just took advantage of her, she had major daddy issues (worked out from many stories about her childhood and her parents crazy relationship). She seemed to like getting in relationships with abusive guys, and then complaining about it all the time but never doing anything. I guess in a way like I was a "last chance emergency" guy or something. Eh either way I know again with hindsight I was a total idiot in that situation... Leaving that job and getting away from her was one of the best things to happen to me (and at the time I had something greater on my mind to make me forget about her...). Well anyway dreams about her usually involve her being nearby and flaunting that she's hot or something along those lines, but I can never have her. I guess like the whole carrot on a stick thing, and no matter what I did I'd never get the carrot. Plus quite often she'll be with her boyfriend (Who is a guy who constantly treated her like crap at work and made her cry many times. I never liked him before they got together either, he was always a douchebag).

D: My ex-fiancee dreams. About 4 months ago my fiancee left me, and replaced me. I don't know exactly what happened... She just one day told me she didn't love me any more. We were living in different places so we never talked face to face about these issues... She never gave me any real reason why she just stopped loving me. She found a new guy pretty soon after leaving me... She says she didn't leave me for him... But the timing and all. It's so quick after leaving me... And it's happened twice before to me too. I don't know... I don't want to call her a liar. These are usually happy dreams... About what was and what could of been. She was everything to me... Smart, beautiful, funny, cute, silly, a geek, total cat lover, amazing chef, best snuggler ever, a major music lover and great singer (she was a singer in a band), enjoyed Japanese culture and anime, wasn't the jealous type and liked Suicide Girls herself also. She was the only person I ever met who understood my sense of humour. Plus I actually felt comfortable with her and could hold conversations with her (Which is extremely rare for me). I fought through the worst of my anxiety problems for her... Traveling to London for her often when I'd never done that before and crowds make me anxious. I got that QA Tester job in Wilmslow and moved there for 3 months to show to her that I could work and support her when we moved in together. Bah... Having those dreams always reminds me what I've lost... And I wake up feeling utterly crushed.

So yeah... Sleep right now is just a constant barrage of things that make me feel bad. But I just feel so damn tired all the time. Sorry... Maybe I'll attempt a more cheerful post at some point as nobody likes a miserable guy. Right now though even various awesome boobs barely make me feel much happier... Yeah hah it's really that bad.

Well anywho back to gaming for the moment and thinking of anything potentially happier to post in my next blog post.