Hmm, so it would appear as though I'm not over my ex. Either that or I'm a total emotional fuck wit. To cut an exceptionally long story short, our relationship ended in June last year, I was the one who ended things because I wasn't happy - not just with her, but everything and I got to a stage where I couldn't cope with things and started to change as a person. I didn't like this and I felt that she was becoming more controlling and even at times bullying and I couldn't take it anymore. Needless to say after I ended things and she moved back in with her parents I realised I had made a huge mistake, that I loved this woman more than anything and that I wanted to do everything I could to get her back.
I knew not long after the relationship ended she went on vacation with some friends and slept with some guy(s)? and plastered it all over facebook for everyone to see, including me - this really hurt me. In October I saw her again and we talked and things seemed to be getting better, but then she ignored me for a week or so and finally came out and told me she was seeing someone else. I was totally heartbroken. As time went on she said she wanted to stay friends and, as hard is it was for me, I said I would like that too, but I think secretly it's because I'm hoping that at some point she'll realise she still loves me and wants to be with me.
There have been times since she's told me that she's seeing someone else that she still misses me, still cares for me, she even messaged me one night at 3am to tell me that sex with me was always the best... so of course I find this very confusing (and these messages usually come just as I think I'm about ready to get over it all!) I know what a lot of you will say is that I need to cut all ties, block her etc etc but I just can't bring myself to do it. This is the woman who I feel in the very bottom of my heart and soul that I am meant to be with. I know this woman should be the mother of my children and so for her to not be a very big part of my life is just killing me.
Anyway, tonight I was reminded of the guy she had been with whilst on vacation and it really cut to the bone, I literally feel physically sick. I've always prided myself on being able to deal with most things - I've been inside burning buildings, I've cut people from smashed up cars, I've even had relationships end horribly where the woman has had an abortion and not told me til months later. But this, this I just can't deal with. I'm torn between wanting to move on and feeling that I should and, more importantly need to and then wanting to cling on to the last salvation of hope.... she even asked me recently if I'd given any thought to how I was going to ask her to marry me, and to me, that's not the sort of question you ask if you're not thinking about it yourself. Or maybe she's just fucking with my head. I don't know.
I knew not long after the relationship ended she went on vacation with some friends and slept with some guy(s)? and plastered it all over facebook for everyone to see, including me - this really hurt me. In October I saw her again and we talked and things seemed to be getting better, but then she ignored me for a week or so and finally came out and told me she was seeing someone else. I was totally heartbroken. As time went on she said she wanted to stay friends and, as hard is it was for me, I said I would like that too, but I think secretly it's because I'm hoping that at some point she'll realise she still loves me and wants to be with me.
There have been times since she's told me that she's seeing someone else that she still misses me, still cares for me, she even messaged me one night at 3am to tell me that sex with me was always the best... so of course I find this very confusing (and these messages usually come just as I think I'm about ready to get over it all!) I know what a lot of you will say is that I need to cut all ties, block her etc etc but I just can't bring myself to do it. This is the woman who I feel in the very bottom of my heart and soul that I am meant to be with. I know this woman should be the mother of my children and so for her to not be a very big part of my life is just killing me.
Anyway, tonight I was reminded of the guy she had been with whilst on vacation and it really cut to the bone, I literally feel physically sick. I've always prided myself on being able to deal with most things - I've been inside burning buildings, I've cut people from smashed up cars, I've even had relationships end horribly where the woman has had an abortion and not told me til months later. But this, this I just can't deal with. I'm torn between wanting to move on and feeling that I should and, more importantly need to and then wanting to cling on to the last salvation of hope.... she even asked me recently if I'd given any thought to how I was going to ask her to marry me, and to me, that's not the sort of question you ask if you're not thinking about it yourself. Or maybe she's just fucking with my head. I don't know.