ragingwhore42

i don't think i can do it. leave i mean. i have no energy-and i'm gonna vomit. and i know that this shouldn't be a big deal at all-but it is to me-so isn't that enough? i know that if i take off-i'll regret it. this is stoopid. or maybe it isn't-and it's stoopid of me to even think that he'll care if i leave. the way it's working in my head is something like this-if i take off and go to schnick's or the black people's house-he'll come over to get me and refuse to leave unless i go with him-as soon as he comes home and sees i've gone-and then it will have been a big waste of my time and energy-and i'll feel like a bitch for running off-regardless of how upset i was. but he acted like he didn't care-he said he didn't know what i was talking about-and then when i was trying to be nice and not freak out-he told me to have fun and then hung up-so maybe if i leave-he'll come home and be glad. maybe this is what he wants. but it doesn't matter what he wants does it? shoudln't it just be about the fact that i'm not happy-and this keeps happening-and he blows it all off-and oh my god my head is gonna burst. what the fuck do i do? if i'm gone before 3 please-everyone give me a high five or something-cause it will probably be the bravest thing i ever did. well besides not killing myself of course-i get mad bravery points for not taking the easy way out all those years ago-right? i don't know what to do.

my grandma is evil. i thought your family was supposed to be there for emotional support, but no-she had to go off and say that if he hasn't said anything about marrying me yet-then he obviously doesn't plan on keeping me around. she's silly. sometimes i think maybe i got the insanity from her.