raffertie

I have a lot of stuff on my mind.
Non of it serious and hardly any of it relevant. I just have random thoughts that pop up and then disappear then reappear later on.
I've been getting a lot of things stuck in my head. Not songs, just words. Well, songs too but not as much.
Scantily Clad has been stuck in my head. I also had to page a customer back to my department a few weeks ago and her name gets stuck in my head a lot. Freidemarril. What an awesome name. I also met someone called Hollie Holler.
Other awesome names include Ezra Knicklebine and Sid Lash.
Now I'm wishing I had an awesome name like those. My name often gets compliments because people don't really hear it too often, but in my graduating class there were 3 of us. I feel like I should become a 30 year old accountant with my name.
I like going by Raffertie. It's my little brother's middle name with a feminine ending.

Come to think of it, a lot of my thoughts have a theme of inadequacy.

I often think I'm not as good of a singer as people tell me or that I'm crap at piano.
I don't have any clothing that fits anymore so I feel like I look like crap a lot of the time (weight issues aside).
I feel like everyone I meet judges me and that I come up short.

I'm not sure if it's the people that make me feel like this or if it's just me.

I'm also getting frusterated with being constantly broke. I have to keep reminding myself that not many people my age could afford to pay off $4,000 in medical debt by themselves.

I guess the main thing is that there are so many things I want to be but can't yet. I'm ready, but I just have to lay the ground work.

I leave you with a song that don't particularly like, but the video is amazing. I feel like it's art, and that there isn't too much art nowadays.



I also felt that way about an episode of Medium. I never watched the show before that night, but I was completely taken aback.
In the episode she was young dreaming of her life when she is older. In her older life she is as she is now, doing the same job and everything. The case she is working on is young girls who were raped and murdered. It turns out that the guy in the future is the kid who moved next door to her younger self. The kid fell in love with her younger self and each night she unravels the future case in her dreams. When she discovers that he is the killer, he tells her that back when they were kids he was beat up by his dad and one day he was sitting in his living room with a gun in his mouth about to pull the trigger when she knocked on the door. When she woke up from that dream, she went over to his house and hesitated before knocking and heard the gunshot.

It was art.

I want to do something that makes people feel how that episode made me feel.