raellem

I am screwed. Big time. Not small time, not kinda, but big time. To quote Crossfade. "Im kicking these four walls just as hard as i can 'til I can't crawl."

I'm not even really sure where to begin. Hrmm.. from the beginning, everything, just like Chunk and the Fratellies, "One time i pushed my sister down the steps... and i blamed it on the dog!", style.

For the past year i have attempted to live my life in a the most constructive way possible. Constructive not only to myself, but to every individual i touch every day. I have no desire to cause anyone any kind of discomfort. Unfortunatly i have managed to do that lately. Perhaps in a bigger way, but also to certain someones whom i see the transgressions manifest. It blows. I don't like it one fucking bit as a matter of fact. Im annoyed. Not only at the situation as a whole but also at the fact that i couldn't see the fucking big light getting closer at the end of the tunnel. We'll call that "The Coyote from Roadrunner style." Wham! Nailed! Or even like the Crow.... "Caw, Caw, *Bang*, fuck im dead!"

So what to do now right? How 'bout this: turn my back and smile and remember that nothing is worth causing another pain. There is a certain degree of truth in living life for you. Never due at the expense of anothers emotions though. Never run them through the ringer. I was the butt of too many jokes to make others laugh as a fat little kid to believe in that too much. No amount of what could be misconstrued as positive feelings is an excuse for anything that would make someone else miserable.

I ask God each and every day to help me do the things that are necessary for me to make what i have stated come true. I think right now i need to make a decision that, to the sight of many, is going to seem idiotic and almost surrender like. I have no problem doing it though. I'm not going to be "that person". Not because i want to seem to others like im doing the right thing, but because i feel it is the right thing to do. One situation, one place, one person. There is more to life than one. Im so thankful i've been givin the bearing to understand that.

There's a part of me that is glad this is happening. It's keeping me honest. Reminding me that i'm not the only mother fucker walking this Earth. It's also reminding me of what life is and what it takes to be happy and to also make others happy. Those two things are of equal importance, contrary to the popular "me and only me" school of thought.

Hrmm... will i regret it. I seriously doubt it. After all, what does regret get you but a lot of wasted energy? Anyway, everything happens for a reason. I'm sure i will see the light of the situation in the future, even if it is a bit cloudy at the moment.

VIVA LA RESISTANCE!

.... or something like that anyway..