radii

I can't really say what brought this on, I just had this overwhelming sense of emptiness sweep over me.... just random ponderings as they came to my mind is all.....

*sigh

I feel so vulnerable and exposed...

"Pessimistic Thoughts.........."

Sometimes I just get so tired of my existence. I get tired of knowing nothing about anything I dont know who I am, where I want to be, or what I want to do. It is the unknown that mankind has always feared, sure weve personified and given the unknown an image; take the darkness for example humans have poor night vision=cant see= unknown=fear. I have tried to keep my mind silent for so long that I never realized that in my fervor to keep it quite that my struggles became what was making all the noise and that it is so very quite in my head now, there is a great nothingness

I keep hoping that when I move that things will change for me but I hardly think that a change in environment is really going to make anything better; Im still going to be me. I have absolutely no reason to feel so depressed, empty, and alone and yet I find myself feeling this way. I wish. I could change myself, I feel so inadequate and pathetic all the time spineless and weak tired and alone. I put on a brave front for everyone to see, to give them hope, and strength but on the inside Im just that terrified little girl screaming and crying at the front door fighting with that baby gate trying to escape that dark looming figure moving slowly out of the shadows true story btw

I feel like there is so much that I should be able to do, I see other people do things all the time and yet I somehow cant. I have put myself in a cage and had it welded closed, I hold myself back from everything. I think about everything too much, and it impedes upon my actions to the point that I end up doing nothing and lamenting my inaction later.

I dont know what I want well thats not entirely true I want to be happy I know I said that other people cant be the source of your happiness but that they should add to what youve got, I dont honestly feel that way at least not in regards to myself because, I know there is no point in my fighting myself and who I am anymore. Alone I am weak, but being with another person that needs me makes me strong, I need to live for someone else because my existence alone feels meaningless.

I think that there is something very wrong with my mind, that I may be quite off my rocker and that Ive just learned to hide my crazy


please save me.........