my birthday is on sunday.
i only have 5 shifts left to work.
i take my driver's test today, and i'm very nervous.
last night i cried because i realized i'm leaving my job, and i hadn't allowed myself to be miserable about what i do in months. i don't like to talk about work at home, because then i don't get any rest, but last night i just broke down crying. see, i work with severely emotionally disturbed children, which apparently is a legal term for kids removed from home by child protective services. therefore, my time at work is depressing and bleak, unless i don't think about it. i can't explain it all here, due to the complexities, but my job is not counseling, or therapy, or anything like that. my job is to nanny, ferrying little kids who have committed no crime around their jail like surroundings, making sure they maintain half decent hygiene. My job is to police, making sure they follow ten pages of rules printed in 10-pt font. my job is to provide artificial consequences and artificial structure. i'm working with kids who will not leave the system until they are 18, when they will be unceremoniously tossed back into the real world with no skills and no clue. my job is to keep them from devouring each other.
so last night, it hit me: i don't have to hold it in anymore, the end is in sight, and i can allow myself to be me again, a person i thoroughly enjoy and have missed. and i cried....i let it all out, the frustration, the pain, the futility, the lack of joy, the abuse they heap on us, everything. i mean i have met the perpetrators and abusers of tomorrow, and i have met the future perpetual victims they will prey upon. and i have seen that my hands are tied, and legally i can't do anything to help them, except allow them to take their shit out on me. and by that i mean, me and my coworkers have been bruised, beaten, sprained, broken, choked, spit upon, flung bodily waste at, kicked, degraded, harrassed, accused, and cursed. a typical day at work for me includes half of those things. a bad day? all of them. would you work here for 9.50/hr US?
it's not noble. there is nothing noble about putting band-aids on sucking wounds for a living, and there is nothing noble about throwing your heart into the lion pit day after day when it changes nothing about their lives or their futures.
okay, i need to stop now. i'll make a mess of myself for my test if i don't. ::deep breath:: i have hope after all: through all that, i have not lost the ability to empathize with another.
{edited for grammar}
i only have 5 shifts left to work.
i take my driver's test today, and i'm very nervous.
last night i cried because i realized i'm leaving my job, and i hadn't allowed myself to be miserable about what i do in months. i don't like to talk about work at home, because then i don't get any rest, but last night i just broke down crying. see, i work with severely emotionally disturbed children, which apparently is a legal term for kids removed from home by child protective services. therefore, my time at work is depressing and bleak, unless i don't think about it. i can't explain it all here, due to the complexities, but my job is not counseling, or therapy, or anything like that. my job is to nanny, ferrying little kids who have committed no crime around their jail like surroundings, making sure they maintain half decent hygiene. My job is to police, making sure they follow ten pages of rules printed in 10-pt font. my job is to provide artificial consequences and artificial structure. i'm working with kids who will not leave the system until they are 18, when they will be unceremoniously tossed back into the real world with no skills and no clue. my job is to keep them from devouring each other.
so last night, it hit me: i don't have to hold it in anymore, the end is in sight, and i can allow myself to be me again, a person i thoroughly enjoy and have missed. and i cried....i let it all out, the frustration, the pain, the futility, the lack of joy, the abuse they heap on us, everything. i mean i have met the perpetrators and abusers of tomorrow, and i have met the future perpetual victims they will prey upon. and i have seen that my hands are tied, and legally i can't do anything to help them, except allow them to take their shit out on me. and by that i mean, me and my coworkers have been bruised, beaten, sprained, broken, choked, spit upon, flung bodily waste at, kicked, degraded, harrassed, accused, and cursed. a typical day at work for me includes half of those things. a bad day? all of them. would you work here for 9.50/hr US?
it's not noble. there is nothing noble about putting band-aids on sucking wounds for a living, and there is nothing noble about throwing your heart into the lion pit day after day when it changes nothing about their lives or their futures.
okay, i need to stop now. i'll make a mess of myself for my test if i don't. ::deep breath:: i have hope after all: through all that, i have not lost the ability to empathize with another.
{edited for grammar}
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
antiprincess:
Wow, that's really hardcore. My last job was working with autistic toddlers. Based on how you've described your job, mine was a cake-walk, although I was bitten and scratched a couple of times. My heart goes out to you.
bionicfemme:
Thanx for the teddy bear!!! 