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PHONE SEX.

I swear, that's the weirdest form of pseudo-autoerotica. Actually, wait. I take that back. Virtual Sex was the weirdest form of pseudo-autoerotica I've ever heard of. Honestly, 1991... did you think that was going to be the future of intercourse? Hey, everyone! Let's strap on these giant plastic helmets and look at poorly-constructed polygonal avatars of our lovers' forms when their actual bodies are seated and strapped in only three feet away from us! YEAH! ...this'll prevent the spread of AIDS...

I won't lie, I've done it. And I was the greatest lay I've ever experienced. You too can have a fantastic sexual encounter (with another's voice, an active imagination and by your own hand) by following these three simple rules:

1. Make Sure You Have Plenty Of Juice. Nothing kills the mood like a phone about to die. Be sure to keep your phone fully charged, for those 30 seconds of pleasure. Furthermore, dead spots. No one likes repeating themselves when the line drops briefly while pulling their pud/strumming the ol' pink banjo. "Oh baby, now I'm ... sw... vanilla ... taste... ... ...rosey ... ...penis." "uhhhhhh, what?" Lastly, be sure to make these calls late enough so you don't have someone interrupting. It's something you DO NOT want to ruin your impending liquid explosion... a call from Aunt Petunia.

2. Haste Makes Waste. Slow down... take your time, baby! This ain't the real thing so you don't have to worry about performance anxiety or frigidity. In fact, the foreplay can take all night; you're bound to become a quality multi-tasker over time. Go onnnnn, make a sandwich while laying the triple X throwdown. Do some laundry while playing the "you know what I'd do to you if you were here?" game. I'm pretty good at it now, I can file taxes if I had to.

3. Be Prepared To Be Called A Whore. This one's for the MEN, not you ladies. I tell ya, women can be some of the NASTIEST, degrading, most fucked-up fiends IF you allow them to. What you need to do is know your interest's key words. Those that will give you the keys to their freak kingdom. They don't even have to be sexual... I'll use my platonic friend Phoenix as an example. Say hi, Phi!



Sexcellent. Now there are bad key words and good key words. A few of her good words are Squirrel, Popcorn, Pussy(cat), Ribs, and X-Files. Bad words are Cave, Work, Traffic, White Castle, and Republican. Now if I wanna get her hot and bothered, I can include any one or all of those words in a sexual situation...

"Baby, you know what I'd do to you if I was over there right now? I'd have you holding my nuts like a squirrel and play with your pussy(cat) while we ate ribs and watched the X-Files."

You can even add some of the bad words to make the situation even more tense!

"Baby, you know what I'd do to you if I was over there right now? I'd bend you over your desk at work and fill your middle like I was stuck in rush hour traffic... As your Republican ass boss watched... While eating popcorn."

Of course, I kept these shining examples of phone sex G rated, but you get the jist of it I'm sure.

SO THERE YOU GO! Go forth and keep the Kleenex close.