I really need to get out of Philly for a while. Well.. maybe just this house.. Being depressed makes it more difficult to be here, but I guess it is the perfect place to isolate.. I've been doing paperwork, working on my website, and listening to Johnny Cash for the last few hours. I haven't taken a single call today which is not like me at all.
I'm a little confused I guess.. If I know in my heart that she and I were not right for eachother, then why am I feeling like shit about ending it??? Maybe it's the fact that I've given this relationship the last year and a half of my life that makes it hard to just let go.. The simple fact is that we just were not right for eachother and nothing either of us did was going to change it. I think that part of the reason that I hung on as long as I did was that I just didn't want to have to start dating all over again. I hate that because I'm no fucking good at it! I never really have time to go out and meet new people anyway... Being in bumblefuck suburban Philadelphia does not help! When I'm in NYC it's all about work and when I'm in center city Philly it's usually to see a client.
Maybe I need to take the suggestions of friends and actually keep somewhat of a schedule so that I keep set days off and actually go out and do something on those days.. I don't know, I just want to isolate for a few weeks.. Of course I know better than to do that.. Besides, I have to go to manhattan thursday and friday so I can't isolate even if I wanted to.
I have learned the value of acceptance though.. I accept that this was long overdue to end and I accept that it's going to be very uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean I like it! I'd rather sit here and drive myself insane trying to figure it all out, when what I really should do is take what I can from it and move on! I should feel relieved! There is now absolutely nothing to keep me from moving where ever the hell I want. I need a little button that turns off my brain when it's going off the way it is right now... I used to use jack daniels for that, but that doesn't work anymore!
I'm a little confused I guess.. If I know in my heart that she and I were not right for eachother, then why am I feeling like shit about ending it??? Maybe it's the fact that I've given this relationship the last year and a half of my life that makes it hard to just let go.. The simple fact is that we just were not right for eachother and nothing either of us did was going to change it. I think that part of the reason that I hung on as long as I did was that I just didn't want to have to start dating all over again. I hate that because I'm no fucking good at it! I never really have time to go out and meet new people anyway... Being in bumblefuck suburban Philadelphia does not help! When I'm in NYC it's all about work and when I'm in center city Philly it's usually to see a client.
Maybe I need to take the suggestions of friends and actually keep somewhat of a schedule so that I keep set days off and actually go out and do something on those days.. I don't know, I just want to isolate for a few weeks.. Of course I know better than to do that.. Besides, I have to go to manhattan thursday and friday so I can't isolate even if I wanted to.
I have learned the value of acceptance though.. I accept that this was long overdue to end and I accept that it's going to be very uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean I like it! I'd rather sit here and drive myself insane trying to figure it all out, when what I really should do is take what I can from it and move on! I should feel relieved! There is now absolutely nothing to keep me from moving where ever the hell I want. I need a little button that turns off my brain when it's going off the way it is right now... I used to use jack daniels for that, but that doesn't work anymore!
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imfrickincold:
Thanks for that. I guess we're going through the same thing... but i understand about holding on just because you've been together for so long. i feel like that's what im doing, but it's nearly impossible to know for sure until after it's all over. keep ya head up. 
datsun:
Any time a person leaves your life after being such a big part of it, you will feel sad. The fact that you broke it off may even make you feel guilty about being responsible for her absence in your life. It's just hard to feel like a big cunk of your life is missing, whether the breakup was necessary or not. I hope you try to keep busy and not dwell on it, or if you are thinking about it, think about the ways this will be positive in your life. Good luck. 