Monday Aug 11, 2003

0
i'm really depressed today, and i'm not sure if it is because my grandfather died.
i don't want to leave the house. i have work in 3 hours. i really just want to stay home and cuddle with the boy.
tomorrow he's being a sweetie and is driving to altoona with me for the viewing. wednesday is the funeral, and then i'm off to harrisburg for a few days.
this may seem awful to say about a dead person, but... i have no idea why this is affecting me so much. my grandfather was an awful selfish person that abused my mom.
i think maybe it hurts me because i know that in my lifetime there is never any chance of me having a loving typical grandpa/granddaughter relationship. also, with this death, i have absolutely no grandparents alive.
i really wish there had been some love there. i'm not going to con myself and think that he loved me either.
we barely ever spoke, and that sucks.
atleast i can take solice in that fact that my parents are very loving, and so my kids will have a good grandparents experience.
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max16characters:
Believe me i understand...my grandfather was pretty much an asshole too. When he died, i felt bad and sad, but not because i missed his love. It was because he was never there as a typical grandfather and i never got to know the man who fathere my mom. I don't know if that's similar to how you feel on it or not but it sounds like you're in the same boat as i was when it happened.

On a side note...you know you get bereavement time at Starbucks for deaths in the family right? If not, you might want to check into that one.
rickroyal:
Yowch. I think a cuddle with the boy is desperately needed. Good thoughts are directed your way as well.

My paternal grandmother died last October. It was strange because it was almost like a stranger dying. I rarely saw her, never really thought about her, and had absolutely no emotions invested in her. Completely different from your own situation, but it reminded me of it.

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