quietdesperation

it is really hard not to think how silly this is. it is after 2 am sunday morning and i just got home and am writing in my computer to some anonymous sort of porn site. now we all know that a bunch of sort of disillusioned or desperate men troll this site and read the journals of women they would like to be having a sexual relationship with and no one will really read the journal of some guy like me. women are motivated by different drives than men and are not particularly interested in what a man like me has to say on his computer at this site. straight women are not paying to see naked men and read the thoughts of these same naked men. they would rather read some chicks journal and fein some sincere interest or make some insightful comments like "awsome" or "i'm really sorry you had a bad day" or "you are really sexy." they do this in hope of some crumb from some girl who is getting off by all the attention. she doesn't want to have sex with all of you, but is really digging the attention and the knowledge that you are there for her if she dicided that she wanted to take you off her shelf and play with you. she likes to know that you are there in reserve if she ever dumped or was dumped by the miserable bloke she is now somehow co-dependent on. so this is my weekend so far. thursday night i was invited to a party to view a penthouse on the 60th floor of a new condo building. they think that i might be interested in dropping a few mil on a place that has nothing going for it but the view. then i met vanessa for dinner and then off to see a band play that a marginal friend plays the sax in. i was supposed to hook up with a number of girls for the show, but in ended up to be mostly vanessa and me. vanessaa is a very interesting married woman who wants to fuck me real bad. that is not a conceited comment, but a statement of fact. the problem is that my body type is more of the lean sort. i guess kind of like bruce springstein. at least that is the first wellknown person that comes to mind. vanessa, unfortunately, has a butt that is at least 4 times as wide as mine. i like her, but i couldn't get a hard-on over her if my life depended on it. so at about 12:30 i left after she insisted on kissing me. ugh! so that was thursday. friday i went to an opening party of these women i know who are opening a resale shop of cool hip stuff. it was full of fashionable people and a number of girls that i know. there was your usual smattering of lesbian or bi women which is the fashion of the last 10 years. but also there were a number of women that are really good friends and share affection for me and vice versa. there is one girl that we share this great chemisty. i could fall in love with her in a minute. however, despite the obvious attraction and the fact that her boyfriend is back home in minnesota, we did nothing but talk and catch-up. if she would just let herself we could have had a great time just hugging and kissing. however, at 3:30 am i knew it was not going to go anywhere and headed for home. another of lifes missed chances. we both know it is there, but she will not make the move. tonight i met a recently divorced friend. he looks like a toad, but is really a intelligent and great guy. we had dinner and drinks at a hot spot in this great city. we talked about the futility of male/female relationships. the bar is crawling with men and women obviously trying to connect, but never doing so. such a waste of lives and time.

recently i saw one of my favorite bands from france called paris combo. the woman singer told a story during the show about men and women. she said that when we are little we all hear the story of snow white, when boys hear it they don't think too much about it. when they grow older they still do not think much about it. however, when girls hear it they relate to snow white. when they get older they still do and the first boy they find really attractive they think "i hope he is not my prince charming because i am not ready yet." then as they go along and meet other men they ask themselves, "is this my prince charming?" she then asked the audience how many prince charming were there that night. men see themselves as humans trying to make a living and achieve some form of success and get laid in the process. the women are evaluating these men vis-a-vis their notion of prince charming. the men are oblivious to this. they are just men. the women inevitably become disappointed because they are really not with prince charming, but with just some flawed human male. so each of the last 3 nights i met a number of women who could be having adventures and fun with the men that are available, but they are in search of their prince charming. us poor blokes are meer mortals and not to the princedom born. nor are these women princesses. they are average girls looking for the man to come along and turn them into the princess they were led to believe they are by the fairy tales they heard as children. and so the wheel turns.

lets all get tatooed, pierced and find ourselves in bi-sexual relationships following the trend of our times waiting for the prince to transform our lives from thier present mundane form. waiting to be carried away on a white stallion. kind of like winning the lotery. let's us find redemption without the personal struggle that is so unfortunately part of human existence. the reason noel coward famously said that most men live lives of quiet desperation.

so off i send this to the empty ether. like the tree that falls where no one is there to hear it, my comments go out where there is no one to read it.