quest36833

Jesus, when did I become this cold, I dont even know how to feel at this point, there really isnt anything there, almost as if the emotions have gone away.
My little brother is 10 years old, 6 months ago or so, I went over to my moms house, to help her clean up his room, and throw shit out, cause hes a little pack rat and a pig. I cannot stand the relationship that they have, the fight like you wouldnt belive, hes always sick, since he has crohns syndrome, hes been fighting for his life since he was 2.
I dont know where to begin, during that day, I told him that essentially that his attitude needed to change, and that he need to treat out mom better, and that it would take nothing for me to walk away from the relationship, and only have one with my mom. What the fuck was I thinking, telling this to a 9 year old???
Tonight he ran away, him and mom got into a fight, he took out the trash, and disappeared for an hout and a half, cops finally found him, and brought him home.
His whole life was turned up side down when i told him what I did, he feels like no one loves him, and that no one cares, hes lost his friends at school, hes failing his classes, his teacher hates him, and thats a direct quote from my mom.
I cannot even begin to figure out how to fix this, 6 months of damage like this, doesnt change overnight.
He told my mom that I told him that she hates him, and that I do too, I never did, but I can see how it evolved to that, FUCK, how do you fix that, how do I fix myself, how do I go about undoing the damage that I have caused.
I sit here and realize that it really doesnt surprise me that all that I said, I did.
I guess that I have been pretty cold to my family for a long time now, and that day, I took alot of shit out on a 10 year old kid that I shouldnt have,.
The really scary thing is, is that tommorow, I colud wake up, and not let this effect me at all, and wal away from it all, and not be sad about the consequences, god am I selfish fuck.
Its really funny that I picked this album to listen too, while writing this, and that this song came on..
05
Schism

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers/brothers


I cant think about this anymore, well, Im gonna, just not on here

Oh great, I just remembered that it was Mothers Day, this fucking day will never be the same..
Wunderbar....