quasi_sean

I want a poster of me to tell me how to feel today.

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no traditional heading necessary--
for I am about to unleash--

oh, I knew the future was haunted.

and I imagine you knew the
whole time that I watched you
and celebrated the brilliance of
my decision.

Oh, sad boy
just how many people
can you disappoint?

I saw as you climbed trees,
trying to hidefell, and I laughed
as you conned the elementary establishment into thinking you were gifted, but not so
if you are completely honest.
When the Carson sun burned your ghost white skin tho it didnt matter w/that hideous blood running down your arms &
at fifteen sleeping w/a twenty-year-old ex-stripper artist noisy fuck w/black lites & annoying techno music.

hospital, asylum
visit after visit
overdose
magic
six months in those safe hells

bleach drinkers
mind readers
running away
thru

I couldnt have carried you
all that way.

I would have sang
danced, drank & pissed on you
you, that
I am happy to try & forget I helped to create.

For I am Jerry!
Small town sheriff
who served my daughter
an equal serving of this
satire supper
who broke an unborn heart
and turned the body away 20 years later.


and just what makes
a man
like me
who can leave at the drop of a hat
or the sounds of a child
kicking the uterine walls
& questioning, questioning
why darkness
seems so lonely
& inviting

why, maybe more love
when I was a boy
cookie-plates after school
bedtime stories &
meticulous checks of the night closet
& under the bed &
maybe no confidence
in myself
force me to wear this badge
w/my stone face
ugh,
the bliss of a stone heart

maybe had I read more books
gotten lost in story lands &
befriended imagination
could I get a glimpse of what
a happy ending should look, smell or feel like &
maybe each dawn is wasted
w/o you or
maybe you are a waste
that w/each new dawn slips
further from my mind

maybe the damage has been
done.


best to stop thinking, writing,
dreaming about it, cause
I have the lesson book
tattooed on my eyes.



Dad?
I thought I was an alien
and must have known
its true
all of it

the young man
alone
in mind
in the backyard
watching lizards climb the walls
and in a cave
in desert mountains
where I sat for twenty minutes
before my Death.

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