quartz

Merry Christmas to all! And a Happy New Year!

The real question is whether it will be a truly happy new year? Something is brewing under the surface. There always has been something there, lurking and making itself know at the most inopportune times. Like at finals, or the holidays. Joy. At times, I truly hate my existence. I crave so much more than my life as it is, college student about to join the ranks as a teacher, just trying to get by until graduation. But part of me would love it, that life. The other half, the more irrational wild abandon side wants to say "Fuck this, we have better things to do" and go! Travel somewhere, take my color guard money and be off to California. I've never been, and I want to take a tour of vegan restaurants. My car might not make it, and I'd need an oil change as soon as I got there, but I'd enjoy myself. Be an SG. It's been in my mind for years, yet I can't follow through with it, because my other half holds me back. The rational, do the right thing side, the side that wants to be my mom, and wants to be semi-respectable. The duality kills me sometimes. Perhaps I should tell my therapist. Hooray!

Hiding parts of myself has never been something I've been O.K. with. *Grumble*